Tiger's Blood

Admit it, when you hear of Tiger’s Blood you immediately know that it is a snow cone flavor and not literally Tiger’s Blood. Everyone knows this. It is one of the greatest treat names in the history of treats. Have you ever been to a place that serves flavored shaved ice treats, either with or as a kid, and not ordered Tiger’s Blood over blueberry, fruit punch or the hundreds of other boring sounding snow cones? This leads me to ask this one question, why stop with the clever snow cone names at Tiger’s Blood? I don’t have the greatest memory, but as a kid I remember ordering Tiger’s Blood snow cones. Everyone who has ever had a snow cone has ordered it at least once. So why did the snow cone marketing geniuses quit with the one awesome flavor name? Did they just peak with the first suggestion? I think the flavor naming meeting must have went something like this:

Characters:
Snow Shack Boss: The Juice
Employee A: Bench
Employee B: Gooch

The Juice: Good work Bench. Tiger’s Blood is a great name for a treat. Every kid in the world will order it at least once. Next on the list is Black Cherry. Any suggestions…..nothing….no one…no one has a single idea.

Bench: Why don’t we just call it Black Cherry?

The Juice: Ok. In fact, we should just call all the other flavors by what they actually are and call it a day. HEY! Gooch! PUFF PUFF PASS, quit bogarting the reefer!
(You know they were a bunch of stoners)

Bench: Should I trademark Tiger’s Blood?

The Juice: (Cough Cough) What the hell is a trademark? Here hit this and we will worry about it later.

Old Woman vs. Escalator

So I was at the mall with my son on Dec. 21. We were waiting in line for him to see Santa. Our spot in line was right next to the escalator going up to the second level. Well, an elderly woman with a couple large bags (actual shopping bags, perverts) in one hand and a walking cane in the other approached the moving stairs. This looked like a potentially bad situation. With caution she placed her left her hand, the one with cane, on the moving hand rail. She did not have a firm grip of it as he black belt simply glided through her hand. Next she placed her left foot on the slowly moving step. She then tried to move her next foot onto the same step, but failed, miserably. She proceeded to fall on her backside. So here is the scene, little old lady with a cane and a bunch of bags on her back half way on and half way off the escalator. She looked like a turtle on it’s back. Meanwhile, a bunch of people in the Santa line witnessing this as well as several people at the escalator. I heard one lady say “Are you OK???” as she stared at the old woman and her multiple failed attempts at getting up. I soon realized that no one next to her was going to help her up, maybe they were all in shock, and I certainly was for a moment. So, I told my son to stay where he was and walked like ten feet over to help her up. I arrived at the same time as another woman, who I assume is some sort of people-helper because she was wearing scrubs. Together we helped the old woman to her feet. And it is a good thing we were both there because it certainly took both of us to get her off the ground. I am not sure what was in her bags, no not those one, her shopping bags (I know what was in the others, wink wink vomit), but they were heavy. Are granny panties heavy? Once she was to her feet she said “I knew that would happen. I hate these things.” My response was “Well there is an elevator like 20 feet over there” as I pointed it out to her. She ignored this suggestion and again attempted the escalator. The nurse asked if she needed her to ride with her to the top. The old woman declined, but the nurse helped her get on the first, apparently crucial step and she was on her way.

I thought about making this an entry in my must go series. This lady should have never been near the escalator, and she knew it. She even said she hates escalators! She could have easily taken the elevator, which was really close. Overall, I am glad she was ok and that she made it to the top of the escalator without further incident. She could have easily hurt herself badly. I was also glad to see someone else step in and help and who was willing to ensure the safety of another person. I also want it to be clear that I don’t think anyone was wrong for not stepping up and helping immediately. I think it took a lot of people by surprise. Finally, the nurse was fairly attractive, I know you were wondering.

So I wanted to add something funny and what is funnier than a kid getting hit in the nuts? Well the fat kid who sets up the nut hitting falling off his chair right before the hit. Enjoy.

My Wonderful Logan

So I have had a pretty rough week. I won’t go into all of the details, but I have had a tough couple of days. Well, usually when this happens my son, Logan, seems to always cheer me up. I believe he can sense when I am going through a difficult period. He never does anything to acknowledge it, but always does something special which always makes me loved. This particular time I went and picked him up after not seeing him for about a week. The weather was horrible; the roads were covered in snow and were becoming icy. As we were sitting in traffic an ambulance sped by followed by a fire tuck. Both were presumably on their way to the same emergency. We had the following conversation:

Logan: Why is there a fire truck? There probably isn’t a fire.

Me: Fire men help people when they are hurt in as well as putting out fires.

Logan: Do they help people that are dying?

Me: Yes. They help anyone that needs it.

Logan: If I was dying would they help me?

Me: Yes. They would definitely help.

Logan: I don’t want to die.

Me: I don’t want that to happen either.

Logan: Dad, if you were dead I would jump on you.

Me: Jump on me? (I am picturing him hopping on me like a human trampoline)

Logan: Yea, I don’t want you to go without me.

Me: (What can I say to that) Oh, that is so sweet!

Logan is amazing. I literally did not know what to say. This was one of those moments with my son that can make everything seem fine, as long as he is there. I may or may not have shed a tear or two.

Maynard in PJ's

So I was goofing around on Youtube and I found this old footage of TOOL and Maynard James Keenan at a concert back in 1993. He sure has changed, kind of ,in the last 14 years. Can you believe it has been 14 years since Sober came out?!? They continue to make awesome music and put on the greatest shows.

Mr. Brightside

I just wanted to add this video. It really kind of fits my mood today. But really, it is a really good song and one of my favorite videos. The line "It started out as a kiss how did it end up like this, it was only a kiss?" is so simple and perfect. Anyway, I basically added it for my own benefit because I like it.

The Killers - Mr. Brightside
Uploaded by The-Killers

Must Go #3

1. Receipts- The other day I went to Albertsons Grocery store and bought one item. The receipt I received was nearly a God Damn Foot Long! I repeat, 1 single item purchased. And it is not like the printing on the receipt was in large print for the elderly. It was a bunch of tiny stuff. I think there was something on there about saving 40 cents. There may have been an invite to participate on a survey. HEY Albertson you want people to do your stupid survey, try sending them out on Myspace as a bulletin (make sure to add a questions about favorite color, who you have kissed in the last week, and favorite color). Ease up on the receipt length, it’s a waste.

2. Lip Biting- What? Lip biting you say. Yes lip biting MoFo’s. I am not talking about the sultry, super sexy lip biting that girls do, which can stay (and should actually increase). I am talking about me and those rare times when I bite my lip while politely eating a sandwich or fries or whatever. Seriously, how can I still be biting my lip when I eat? My lips may be large, but I have had them for almost 30 years. I should be use to them by now. Time to quit the accidental lip bites, they hurt like hell. One final note, ladies feel free to bite my lip for me. That can increase as well, but don't do it too hard, my lips are big enough as it is.

3. “Sammich”- It’s a sandwich asshole. Unless you have yet to attend school or an old women/man who forgot to put in her dentures stop calling it a sammich (I bet Lou Holtz say’s sammich). Just call it a sandwich; we are trying to have a society here. I should add that the homeless should feel free to say sammich though (even if they happen to have teeth). If calling it a sammich will help them get a sandwich, I say go for it.

4. “The Funnies”- Did you know that people call the Sunday comics that come in the newspaper “Funnies.” That really has to stop. I don’t think “Funnies” is even a real word; is it trying to be a noun or a verb? Make up your mind. And even if it was legit word, it should be used to describe things that are actually funny, which Sunday comics are not. Why are these shitty attempts at humor still being printed? Beetle Bailey is an asshole. UPDATE: I decided to do a little research and looked up the word “Funnies” on dictionary.com and guess what. It was in there; it’s a noun. Defined as comic strips. They still suck.

5. “Les Schwab First Down”- Ever been to a Utes game? They are great, especially when they are having a good offensive game with lots of first downs. Something seems to have changed this year though. In the past every time Utah would gain a first down the announcer would say “Another UTAH First Down!” Turns out, that is a fairly accurate description of what just occurred. This year is different though. When Utah earns a first down the announcer now says “Another Les Schwab First Down!” That is a bunch of shit. I did not see some A-hole in an oil-stained jump suit and a tire pushing guys around helping the Utes gain enough yardage to keep a drive alive. Screw you Les Schwab. I will never buy a tire from you. And screw the Utah athletic department for allowing it to happen. I wonder how much they sold phrase for. UPDATE: This went. By the end of the year “UTAH” was added to the phrase.

6. College Loan Commercials- I just saw a commercial encouraging young adults going to college to get a loan from them. The company is called “Astrive” and they are douches. They have a kids on the commercial talking about how easy it is to get a loan in just 15 minutes online. Or there is the one bragging about his 40 thousand dollar loan that he won’t have to payback until he is done with school! Another student describes how her full-ride scholarship just isn’t enough. Look, I don’t have a problem with people getting student loans, but the dicks at Astrive and similar companies just seem to be exploiting 18 year olds by encouraging amassing huge debt with them that will take 15 years to pay off. Just seems wrong to me.

7. “40MPG”- I was driving the other day and saw some hybrid vehicle of some kind. That’s great, I appreciate hybrid vehicles and I wish there were more on the roads. This particular one bothered me though. It had a personalized license plate that said “40MPG.” What to go, dick, you are getting good gas mileage. I bet this is the same asshat that bought a Hummer 5 years ago. I don’t have a problem with Hybrids, that would be ridiculous; I do have a problem with people using it as some sort of status symbol or bragging, just like every Hummer owner out there.

8. Transformers- First off, the movie sucked. Quit sticking up for it. Sure the robots were cool, but the show was stupid and made no sense. I love how during the final battle in some big city, which was 30 minutes away from Hoover Dam, there are still people casually driving all while giant robots are battling one another. But that is not my main issue. I have been noticing an increasing number of people putting transformer related stickers on their cars. I saw a brand new white, Dodge Charger, with a “To Punish And Enslave” sticker on the back corner of the car. Really, you never plan on getting laid do you?

9. Must Go- These must go lists are going. I am done. It get’s tiring paying attention to all of the annoying things that flood our society. Maybe I will do a “Must Stay” list where I notice small things that make every day better. But who knows, Michael Jordan said he was done and retired early. So did Jay Z. Maybe I will make a comeback too, the best usually.

Back to Bloggin/Mitch Hedberg.

It has been a while, a long while, since I wrote any blogs. I do have a good reason though, I can't write blogs at work. I work for the government and their firewall has blocked all access to blog sites. That is when I would do my best writing. Anyway, I let this sit for too long, and I think it is time I get going again.

So to liven up this particular entry I wanted to add some jokes from one of the greatest comedians ever, Mitch Hedberg. I had similar experience to one of the jokes he makes at the 6 minute mark about fire hazards. I was assisting at a fashion show and was in the back stage area. There were camera's and lighting equipment set up so we could take pictures of the models. The area we were shooting was technically a public are and in front of an exit, but not frequently used (at the Gateway). Well, a short little bald man entered the little scene, so I decided I would help him get past all the equipment/wardrobe/models. When I got to the door he started lecturing me that I had created a fire hazard and it was a $500.00. I told him that if there was a fire we would all leave; we all have legs and therefore cannot be a fire hazard. He was not impressed with the joke and said he was going to call the organizer of the event. Turns out the little bald man is one of the owners of The Gateway.... Ooops

Bovine University

I went grocery shopping with my son, Logan. We were in the meat section looking at steaks, chicken, etc. While I was inspecting a package of steak Logan was inspecting a giant slab of meat, probably a roast. He asked me what all of the “red stuff” in the package was. I told him that it was blood. Then came “Why is there blood in there?” I told him it was blood from when they packaged the meat. Logan then asks, “Where does meat come from?” This threw me off. I thought he new that meat came from animals like cows. Well, this seemed like as good a time as any to inform him. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Well Logan, this meat here came from cows.”
Logan: (With a confused look on his face) “Cows? Do they take it from the cows stomach?”
Me: “No. They take it from other parts of their body.”
Logan: “Do they hurt the cows?”
Me: “Well Logan, they have to kill the cows for the meat.”
Logan: “They kill cows so we can eat meat?”
Me: “Yes. People raise cows so that we can eat them, so we can have food.”
Logan: “Well, I am never eating meat again!”

He then proceeding down the meat section pointing at the variety of meat and asking what animal they come from and if they are killed. Then proclaiming that he never eat the food from that particular animal, except chicken, he said he still likes chicken.

This all reminded me of a classic clip from the Simpson’s. Enjoy!

Bob, The Stem Cell

I just read this in The Huffington Post and thought it was rather amusing. Because I have been particularly lazy with my blogging lately I decided to just copy and paste this.

An Open Letter to President Bush, From Bob, The Stem Cell
by Steve Young

Dear Mr. President,

Once again you felt necessary to veto the Embryonic Stem Cell Bill, in so the guys in the freezer have asked me to speak for them - though, as you know, we have no mouths. Still, I didn't have the guts of turn them down, which is in itself is quite the trick, as I also have no guts.

I know you that Tony Snow said that your veto was not an attempt to muzzle science, but more an attempt to "respect people's conscience on such an issue." Now a lot of people, cells included, will say that you only are respecting a small percentage of peoples' conscience. Similar to the percentage who think the country's heading in the right direction or find you "popular." But I think we've come up with some legislation that truly both meets with your values and satisfies the other side. And I'm sure you can get that ornery Harry Reid on board for this one.

Keeping in mind that you had Snow say that you believe "strongly that for the purpose of research it's inappropriate for the federal government to finance something that many people consider murder; he's one of them."

We all appreciate your concern for our well-being, but if you consider it murder to use us for research, then what is it called when we're tossed away without be used at all? We're talking about hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of living, breathing - okay, we don't actually breathe, but one day, maybe, strapped up to some sort of tiny-life supporting equipment - who knows?

The point is, no matter veto or sign, you lose.

So a bunch of us stem-cells got together - not physically, that comes later - and came up with an idea, which is amazing in itself as we have no brains to form a thought.

You're a big parents handling their own kid's lives guy. So, if we are lives, why don't you let our parents make the decision as to whether they want us to be used for research or throw us away? That way the only research we're funding is with willing participants. And for the other stem cells who have parents who would rather throw them away, they get to do it. And they don't even have to call it "murder" when they toss us in the trash. They could call it something like "Pro-Ending-Life-In-A-Good-Way." Really. It's a win-win.

A lot of the guys in the freezer wanted to make their "lives" mean something. And then there are those who just want to throw their "lives" away. Adopt our idea and you help us all.

Yours In Freezer,
Bob, The Stem Cell

P.S. And Mr. Reid. Get on the stick and help write up the legislation as me and the guys in Freezer 26 have described above. If not, next year we're backing Bloomberg!

Grad School

Well, for about the past month I have been pretty busy applying to graduate school. I am going to attempt to earn an MBA from Weber State University. I found out about a month ago that I would be receiving funding for this from my work. So I basically started rushing to get my application in.

I just want to take a moment to thank so many of my friends who have helped me out along the way. Without you there is no way in hell that I would have been able to get everything turned in by the deadline.

I am not sure if I will get in. One of the main components of getting into any graduate school or MBA program is the successful taking of a test. The test I had to take was the GMAT (I like to refer to it as "the fucking GMAT"). I studied pretty hard for a couple of weeks, but I have taken a math class in nearly 12 years. I tried to teach myself what I needed to know and received help from some friends as well. Well, when test day arrived, instead of actually taking the math section of the test I just got on my knees and blew it.

Getting into Weber State is definitely not a certainty at this point. If I do not get in I do have other options available to me. One thing is for certain though, if I do get in I owe a lot to the friends around me who helped me with my resume, the essays, and all the other short answer questions that were part of the application. Not only all of that, but just overall support has been helpful, especially after I so successfully blew the fucking GMAT.

Dot Video Goodness

This is the first video I ever saw of the Pale Blue Dot, as promised.





Here is another that I like.

Pale Blue Dot

I have wanted to post this Carl Sagan quote for a while. I initially saw a video with the quote below a few months ago. I will add the video later (the computer that I typically post from has lots of security filters and will not allow access to most videos, especially YouTube). Regardless, it is a great quote.

This picture was taken approximately 4 billion miles away from Earth by the Voyager 1 Satellite.

"Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary master of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.
Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.
The earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is no where else, at least [for the foreseeable] future . . . Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.
. . . There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known."
——Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

Maid Service?

A few years back I moved into my good friend Jake’s new house. There were just we two strapping young bachelors living there; not a lot of cleaning got done. Our main goal seemed to be meeting new girls; we put a lot of energy into that. Well, one a beautiful sunny day I returned home in the afternoon. I just happened to be in the driveway as two lovely young ladies drove by in a jeep. I was feeling particularly polite that day so I gave them a little wave; a little “how you ladies doing.” Jake’s house is on the corner of a cul-de-sac, which the girls turned into (his driveway is off the main road). So, I go inside the house and take a quick peek out the window to see where these lovely young ladies happened to be going and they had stopped right in front of the house and had got out of the car. Well, now I obviously move away from the window assuming that they are on their way up to the house. Nothing happens. They disappeared; no idea where they went. But, their car was still there. What the hell was going on? So, I eventually went out to my car and what did I find? On the windshield of my car was a little note (obviously from the hotties). They were advertising a maid service. SCORE! (Not Actual Blondes)

I present this opportunity to Jake. “We can have hot girls over and they will also clean the house. WIN WIN (for us at least)!” It is agreed that I should call them in two days. So the two days go by and I give them a call and make an appointment. The call was not necessarily smooth, this never happens to me. It was not my fault though; the beautiful blonde that I happened to be talking to had a fairly strong, Latin accent. So, being the small talk professional that I am, I ask where they are from. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So, if you don’t mind me asking, where are you two from?
Hottie Blonde Maid: Guatemala.
Me: Beautiful, blonde and from Guatemala? Must be my lucky day, how about you two come over tomorrow and we can talk about the cleaning.
Hottie Blonde Maid: Ok.

Slam! Homerun! Now all I have to do is casually jog around the bases.

6pm the next day arrives with a knock at the front door. (We also happened to be preparing for a photo shoot that night so Jake was off with the model and the make-up gal prepping. So, there are about to be four hotties in the house at one time with two jack asses. Those are good numbers). I answer the door, and much to my dismay, there are no hottie-blonde-maids to be seen. What the flying hell is going on! There are two, not cute Guatemalans. One of which is about to go into labor. What the Hell! Well, I invite them in and show them the place. As we talk with them I learn that they speak very little English. Jake comes down to meet the maids and stops dead in his tracks, like he had just seen a ghost. He immediately returned to prepping the model, good move on his part. I struggled with the maids for a few more moments, got a quote for cleaning and sent them on their way.

What the hell happened!? Where were the hotties?! Where did they go!? Did the Guatemalans send the hotties to put the notes on the cars? It doesn’t seem very likely. I still have no idea what happened to the hotties.

New Rule!

I decided to make a new rule. If you are going to leave feedback on someone’s blog that pretty much judges the writer and tells them that they are living a sad life; then you are NOT allowed to do anonymously. I think I will quote a friend, who shall remain anonymous: "If you're going to be big enough to say it, be big enough to say who you are."

Take a look at the specific instance I am referring to from an entry I placed in January 2007 titled Nice Dream: Getting Baptized? Me? . Seems pretty judgmental; I should not be too surprised though. I spent 18 years going to church as a child and young adult, watching people judge each other. Luckily I have been on parole since I was about 18 and I plan on being good so that I never have to go back to that hell.

I cannot believe I am about to do this, but here is a scripture reference.

Matthew 7:1-5

7:1 Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

The last thing I will say is that I am who I am. I am happy with the decisions I have made in my life. I like being the captain of my own ship. If you choose not agree with me, that’s fine, I don’t care, I can respect that. Feel free to comment and say whatever you want. But if you are going to judge me and the life I live; go right ahead. But, if you choose to do it, grow a pair and leave your actual name. Then I won’t judge you for being a pussy.

Must Go #2

1. West Coast Chopper Stickers/Shirts/Belt Buckles and all things related: This includes the billion varieties. Can just anybody put whatever they want in that stupid symbol? I think the printing companies could save a lot of money and instead of printing a thousand versions they can just all say “Douche Bag.” Isn’t that really what they are all saying anyway? I suppose it can these symbols can be effective in assisting in the identification of Douche Bags. That way you don’t have to spend those five minutes in talking with that person before he tells you about his Jeep and you realize that he is a Douche Bag. You will never get those 5 minutes back. Recently I saw a Douche Bag with one of these images on his shirt. It had a scripture reference. I looked closely to make sure that it was not a real cross, and it wasn’t. It was a douche symbol.

2. One parent, one toddler, McDonalds to go: If you are going to spoil the family with McDonald’s then that is just fantastic. But, try to plan a little better. How do you expect one adult to go into McDonald’s, order 6 super value combo meals to go, fill up all the beverages, and get the order out to the car with the assistance of a clumsy 4 year old. This was not a very thought out plan. Go through the drive though! I need my Coke! And quit yelling at the kid! It is not their fault you are retarded. It will be your fault though that they are retarded.

3. Coupon Books: Maybe I should call them coupon novels. I get like five of these a week. I live in an apartment with a little mailbox. They do not fit and my important mail gets mixed into the pages offering me deals on new windows and carpet cleaning. It is a waste. These companies should pay for the recycling costs in Davis County (if you want curb side recycling in Davis County you have to pay for the service). This came to the boiling point for me when I was looking for my power bill mixed into the pages of this distributed. I came across the most valuable coupon I have ever laid eyes upon. It was, I shit you not, “Buy 2 spools of thread, Get One FREE!” FUCK YOU! Fucking waste. How many people can this coupon possibly benefit? Two? Maybe three? Send the coupon to the relief society president to pass out. Or just have that policy at your store. That coupon is not going to bring in new customers. Assholes.

4. House > Cubicle: It is common for my co-workers to refer to each others cubicle as their “house.” I am sorry, but my house is not a dull, life-less, asbestos coated, dwelling surrounded my obnoxious neighbors that listen in on phone calls and tell me how to run my life. But then again, I do work for the government, so in a way I guess the listening in on calls is kind of like home.

5. Me, Messing up Lyrics: Lately I have noticed that I have been screwing up the songs that I sing to myself while I am driving around. What the hell; I know these songs; I have been listening to them for a long time. Why do I still screw them up?

6. Short handle window squeegee things at gas stations. I love it when I clean off my windshield at the gas station with a squeegee that has a handle the size of a Popsicle stick. It is usually ok, because I like it when I lean in to get the middle and my shirt gets all that really clean water on it. I am obviously not busy because I am just out getting gas. Surely I must be on my way home where I can easily change my shirt. This one is really not a big deal; maybe I will remove it from the list.

7. When Kids get hurt because the parent was not paying attention, and then blame the kid for it: The other day I was at the park with my son and we were playing on the swings. Next to me there is a woman pushing a little girl, maybe 5 years old, on a swing. She gets the little girl going and then proceeds to walk away. The girl almost immediately falls off the swing. The adult swiftly walks back and instead of asking the girl if she is ok, she says “I asked if you were comfortable, and you said you were!” She is on a fucking swing! Of course she is comfortable! She is 5 years old, make sure the kid is safe, and then don’t blame the child because your lazy fat ass wants to go sit on a park bench and he a bag of Doritos’s.

8. An A- for a grade: There should be no A-. There is no A+, why should there be an A-. You cannot make up for it in any way. You can make up for any other grade, except the A-. If you earn 90-93% out 100% in any class it should be an A.

9. Strippers at Self-Checkout: Ok, first there are way worse things to be behind at the self-checkout than a stripper. They are usually OK to look at (though they never look as good as they do in a dark gentleman’s club after a few cocktails) and at least they are not incredibly obese. But could you please use your damn debit card. Those soggy-ass-nasty dollars are not going to work in the little cash machine. Soggy-dollars are only good for one thing; giving to strippers.

10. Myspace Bulletins: First off, Myspace sucks ass. But lately I have been receiving these bulletins telling me that if I love God then I must repost this. Really, is God keeping close watch on Myspace? If God has a Myspace, why hasn’t he added as a friend? That is kind of rude.

Coultergeist

So there are a lot of hyperlinks in this rant. Now, to watch the videos click on the hyperlink and then on the download link next to the WMP icon.

I hate wasting my energy thinking about Ann Coulter, let alone writing or talking about her. She is a horrible human. She is filled with hate and spews it all over the place under the guise of being a conservative pundit. I did not really want to write about her, but her latest column inspired me to vent a little. This is a quote from her column on April 4, 2007:

“These people can't even wrap up genocide. We've been hearing about this slaughter in Darfur forever — and they still haven't finished. The aggressors are moving like termites across that country. It's like genocide by committee. Who's running this holocaust in Darfur, FEMA?”

This is her comment about the slaying of millions of people; women and children. She wants this genocide to speed up. Has she no soul? This must be one of her well thought out jokes. Isn’t she considered a “compassionate conservative?” I can just feel the compassion. I would like to give her a compassionate Donkey Punch!

She also says the following:
“If you want a shorter rebuilding process, then we're going to have to wage less humane wars. The enemy — as well as innocent civilians — must be bombed into quivering terror. Otherwise, we displace aggression but don't destroy it.”
Is this one a joke…? I don’t get her comedy.

Here is another wonderful quote from a speech she gave at the “Reclaiming America for Christ” conference:
“Those few abortionists were shot, or, depending on your point of view, had a procedure with a rifle performed on them. I’m not justifying it, but I do understand how it happened....The number of deaths attributed to Roe v. Wade about 40 million aborted babies and seven abortion clinic workers; 40 million to seven is also a pretty good measure of how the political debate is going.”

How in the flying hell does she still have a syndicated column. Don Imus gets fired for his racial remarks, and it was probably warranted. She has called Bill Clinton gay and Al Gore a “fag” (watch both clips on the link) and more recently Presidential candidate John Edwards a “faggot.” Although, after the Gore comment she said she was joking. Good one. I could go on and on and on and on. She is a horrible, hateful person. Imus stated that he was joking when he called the Rutgers women’s basketball team “Nappy Headed Ho’s.” He was fired; all I want is to Donkey Punch her. Is that too much to ask?

Interesting side note, the strapping young lad in the photo above was making the rounds at Fox Noise telling about his visit to a college campus. He told stories of a mob of students yelling at him and calling him a baby killer. Well, as it turns out, the fellow is a gay porn star and escort. His “acting” name is Rod Majors. Here is the actual story.

I have to give credit to Keith Olberman for the name Coultergeist. I get that joke. Here is another quick video.

Old People Suck!

There is a great line in a song by the White Stripes. It goes “I just hope I don’t act the same way by the time that I get that old.” This is in reference to him attempting to win the approval of his girlfriend’s mother, but nothing seems to be working for him. Well, I believe we can all relate to this particular line in this song. We all know old people who drive us fucking nuts. I personally know about 2 dozen, which coincidentally are all the old people I know. This may also have to do with the fact that I “literally” work in a “retirement home.” (Retirement home is the nickname I gave my cubicle area that I work in because of all the old bastards that surround me and tell stories from the “good ole days”) Here are a few things I hope to avoid when I get older.

First, I am not sure how this is, but old people must have finger nails that grow like lightening. I also do not know why they assume that public finger nail clipping is an acceptable behavior. They just clip away, at their desk, with no regard to the finger nail shrapnel flying in all directions. I never thought I might need safety glasses for my desk job. It would be one thing if this happened just once in a while, but it happens nearly every damn day! And it is not two clips and the finger nail is done. No! Each finger nail takes an average of about ten clips to shorten to the appropriate length. And each tiny clip sends off a nail fragment like a shell casing from a machine gun.

I hope to avoid constantly saying “I Says, I Says” every third sentence in a conversation. It is like I work with Foghorn Leghorn (this is the nickname I have given to this particular oldie). This is a recording from a conversation I had with Foghorn Leghorn. And here is another clip for fun.

It has recently come to my attention (thank you Michelle) that Foghorn Leghorn also has a problem with zipping up his pants. Which is enough of a problem by itself, but it is compounded by the fact that when this individual gets fired up with some random issue (like plumbing in his house or running over alligators) he has a tendency to swing that particular region of his body. At any moment in time his junk could interrupt an already unfortunate situation. Sorry if you just puked in your mouth.


Well, that is all I want to say about the oldies I work with. Actually, this is all about one person, but that does not change the fact that old people suck.

Alex Grey

Painting- Alex Grey

This is pretty much my favorite painting ever. I love all of this guy's work. You can find more at www.alexgrey.com. I really like how there is all this stimulus going on in the background. There seems to be "good" influences making it's way into whatever the artist is painting, but the evil in the bottom left corner seems to be blocked out. This is definitely influenced by the belief of the "Third Eye"

50 Funniest Homer Simpson Quotes

So I just came across this list on some website (www.2spare.com). I figured the easiest way to share this hilarity with my many devoted friends and readers was to just post it here. Enjoy Michelle and Carlee. (These are in no particular order, I put a couple of my favorites in bold)

· Operator! Give me the number for 911!
· Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
· Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
· Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
· I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
· Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
· Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
· Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
· Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
· Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
· You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
· Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
· When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
· Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
· I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
· [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
· What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
· Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
· Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
· The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
· When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
· I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
· Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
· I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
· Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
· It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
· Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
· I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
· Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
· Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
· Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
· How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
· Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
· Homer no function beer well without.
· I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
· Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
· If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
· I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
· I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
· [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
· All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
· Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
· But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
· I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
· Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
· That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
· Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
· If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
· I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
· 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

Sloppy Cronkite

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This is an awesome clip from the Daily Show. It just goes to show how Fox News loves to hire douche bags. The Sloppy Cronkite is an awesome term as well. I think I sense the makings of an awesome t-shirt.

Must Go

I originally posted this on myspace. Figured I would put it here as well.

First off, must give credit to X96 for the title. The only reason I have not sent this list into them is because who knows when they will get around to it. That being said, here is some things that I feel just simply need to disappear. Feel free to add to the list.

1. MARBLES- Marbles are simply a waste. Unless you are involved in the World Series of Hungry Hungry Hippos there is no reason to have marbles. They are in no way a fun toy. Little kids think they are a ball that they can throw, which they do, and hard at that. Marbles always end up on the floor as well, lost in the carpet until you step on it with a bare foot. That shit hurts. So with that, marbles just need to go.

2. CUP SIGNS ON OVERPASS- This is just retarded and has gone on for way to long. Have you ever been driving on the freeway and looked up to notice that the over pass has a special note that says "Welcome Home John." You think someone named John gets all excited when he sees his name up there? Goes home and thanks his wife, only to find out that it was for a different John. His disappointment slowly turns to rage as he kills all the family's pets to punish them for their lack of appreciation!

3. TRAINS-That's right I said it. Trains. Fuck Trains. Most of all, F- their stupid, loud-ass horns. Is there really a need for them to blow that atomic horn 10 times at midnight when they approach an intersection. Are they afraid that someone may be stuck on the tracks, in between the barriers? If someone is just sitting on the tracks and they are not able to take two steps to the side to avoid the giant train, then they should go as well. Trains suck.

4. MALE R.T.- Rock Tit on males is one of the most disgusting things you will ever see. If you have a tendency to get R.T. and you are a guy, do us all a favor and throw on an extra layer. Girls who get R.T., just keep doing what you are doing, unless you are fat, in which case you should lose some weight. (You kow Peter has some nasty RT going on)

5. WARREN SAPP- First off, for those who do not know, Warren Sapp is a Defensive Lineman for the Oakland Raiders. For years now the media will interview this fat, loud-mouthed, overrated football player after they have just lost whatever game they happened to be playing. And in every interview, this fat-ass has a giant wad of Chew stuffed in his lower fat lip. Seriously, are you that addicted that you cannot wait you are done with interviews to shove a bunch of shit in your face. Maybe he is just trying to speed up cancer so he can get off what can barely be considered a football team. The high-school girls volleyball team could beat the Raiders this year.

6. The Phrase "Right from the Horse's Mouth"- What in the flying hell does that mean!? It makes no sense whatsoever. A horse should kick whoever started that stupid phrase in the groin. Seriously, WTF. Has anything good ever come from a horse's mouth to prompt such a dumbass statement?

7. VOICEMAIL PAGE PROMPT- this is the last one. Why is it that when you call someone's cell phone and go to their voicemail that you can still be prompted to "Page" this person. Has anyone ever in the history of cell phones actually thought, "I am pretty fucking stupid, I think I will page this person." The only cell phone company that can still have this option is SPRINT. That is because they are a sad excuse for a cellular provider and they need to milk every second they can.

Well there you have it. If you have taken the time to read this pointless ramble you will become a better person. Also, please add things that you would like to see gone (please don't say Tittle needs to go, I am sensitive).

Sappy Dad Stuff

I just wanted to say a little something about being a Dad. About a week ago my son, Logan, smashed his little finger. It was not too bad, but it was definitely hurting him. For those of you who do not know Logan, he is only 5 years old. So when he gets hurt he will usually come to me seeking comfort. I have always found this nice, which is kind of strange. So I analyzed why it is that I like it so much when my son comes to me for comfort in these situations. 90% of the time there is not a damn thing I can do about his pain, and I hate that. But for some reason he always starts to feel a little better and at ease. This is what makes it such a special experience. It really is kind of hard to explain, but I will do my best. To know that I have the ability to provide some comfort when my child is in pain just by holding him is absolutely amazing. Even when there is nothing I can do about the pain. He still will feel better just by holding him for a minute. What an amazing feeling. This is one of those experiences that make being a Dad so great. I am lucky to have such an amazing son.

Think for yourself.

This is a quote by Timothy Leary. Tool used it as an into to the live version of the song Third Eye. I just like this quote and felt the urge to share it. Timothy Leary is an interesting person.

"Think for yourself. Question authority. Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we're going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities: the political, the religious, the educational authorities, who have attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rule, regulations. Informing, forming in our minds an inner view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to immerse yourself in a state of vulnerable open-mindedness-- chaotic, confused vulnerability to which you owe yourself. Think for yourself. Question authority."

The Dirty Thirty

Since the days of my 20’s are now limited, I decided to make a list of 30 things I would like to do between now and the time I turn 30. These are in no particular order of importance (except number 1 is by far my first priority).

1. Do a body shot (preferably from hot girl).

2. Upgrade from futon to a real grown-up bed.

3. Start savings account for Logan.

4. Take Logan on a hike.

5. Take Logan to a fish farm.

6. Go camping.

7. Go wakeboarding.

8. Pay off Credit Card.

9. Take GMAT.

10. Begin work on MBA.

11. Go “out of town” (Dover does not count).

12. Drive Go-carts.

13. Take Motorcycle training class at HAFB so I can drive my awesome scooter to work.

14. Go to the Ute Football home opener.

15. Go to a comedy show.

16. Read “The Motley Fool Investment Guide.”

17. Start investing in TSP (government’s version of 401K).

18. Attend a Weber State hockey game.

19. Join and actually attend a book club.

20. Get book shelf for Logan.

21. Learn to dominate the Rubik’s Cube.

22. Learn the Utah Fight Song. (Utah Man)

23. Get protected case thingies for autographed paraphernalia.

24. Kill only 6 hobos (this is 1/3 of last years total, it can be time consuming).

25. Buy hobo a sandwich (before killing him).

26. Begin promoting “Backyard Hobo Fights to the Death.”

27. Educate ignorant society that “Hobo” is the preferred term. “Bum” is just offensive and they do not approve.

28. Participate in the World Series of Dwarf Tossing.

29. Practice Dwarf tossing.

30. I ran out of ideas around 26 (24 and 25 are real). So if anyone would like to make a suggestion… feel free.

Misspoken = Funny

Misspoken

I think it is funny when people say words wrong. It is usually older people, because they are dumb asses. I love it when people mispronounce a word, which in turn, completely changes the meaning.

Example 1:
I am in a training class for work title “Introduction to Financial Mgmt.” It basically goes over the budget process and fiscal responsibility. So the instructor seems reasonably knowledgeable on this subject, but he lost a lot of credibility with me when he repeatedly pronounced “fiscal (Pronunciation [fis-kuh l]) law” as “physical law.” Big difference.

Example 2: This one is slightly more amusing. A bunch of co-workers and I were chit-chatting about work B.S. I informed this co-worker that I ran a report and it basically told us nothing useful. He referred to it as “an act of infertility” as opposed to “an act futility.” I told a friend that an act of infertility is me having way too many gin and tonics. Now that I think about it though, an act of infertility could possibly be an act of futility.

Example 3: This is by far the best. A co-worker of mine, not old, like 24ish, had the greatest misspoken word accidents in history of misspoken word accidents. She told us a beauty of a story. Last year she was on her way to a work Christmas party with several co-workers. They were walking through a door and she was the tail end of the group. Well, apparently she does not like to open doors because of the “door-opening motion” (strange for others, normal for her). Well, the heavy door was beginning to close and fast. So, instead of putting up a paw to keep the door open just long enough she tried to sneak through, and failed. Her shoulders became wedged between the door and the frame; eventually she was sling-shot backwards out of the door and onto her butt. The people she is with already find this to be hysterical. Well, when she gets into the party the story is already being retold. As if this wasn’t an instant classic already, she sweetens it up. She informs everyone that when she fell she thought she had “broke her SCROTUM!” That’s right, scrotum. I wish I could have been there. Well, as it turns out, she apparently had misspoken. What she had meant to say was that she had “broke her Sternum.” Her excuse: “They both start and end with the same letters.” (I decided against the image of the scrotum, you are welcome)

Well, there you go. I really just wanted to tell the scrotum story. There are plenty more of these from the same source. I am planning on starting another blog devoted to this and similar stories… stay tuned. (Just kidding about old people being dumb asses)

Nice Dream: Getting Baptized? Me?

Ok, everybody has crazy dreams and I am no exception. Most people have crazy dreams about sex or vacations or whatever, not me. I never have those dreams. I have dreams like the one I am about to tell you: getting baptized. Yep, baptized, me, again, stupid. Fortunately I do not read too much into my dreams, but if you want to tell me what you think it means, knock yourself out. Here it is:

The dream begins with a memory, the memory of me telling my parents that I wanted to be baptized, again. Time kind of skips forward in the way time does in dreams. It is a few weeks later and my family, obviously thrilled with my decision, has planned a big celebration. They have invited every member of my extended family. This really stresses me out because, as it turns out (prepare to be shocked), I DO NOT WANT TO BE BAPTIZED! I was literally stressed in the dream, talking to myself, interrogating this unfortunate situation. “Why would I tell my parents I want to be baptized? I have not been going to church. I have no desire to go to church. Was I drunk? What the hell is going on here?” I say to myself repeatedly. (Is it still crazy to talk to yourself in a dream?) Then it occurs to me, the only possible solution, is that I never said anything about getting baptized to my parents. It was all a bad dream (yes, this was what I thought during my dream). What a relief, now I can relax.

Soooo, a little time passes and it is a Saturday and I go to my parent’s house. Low and behold, all my family is there, waiting. Great, it’s real!

Well, I am officially stressed again. Every one is congratulating me on my tremendous and courageous decision. Now I will be able to join them in the top level or some B.S. Something has to be done, immediately. I come to the conclusion that I just have to come clean and tell everyone that I, in fact, do not want to be baptized.

First, I decide to tell my parents. They do not seem surprised or upset. They decide that it would be best if I was the one to inform the rest of the family as well. So I walk out into the main room where everyone has congregated say “I thank you all for coming out today. I really appreciate it and it means a lot me that I have such a caring family. I am afraid there has been some miscommunication though. I actually do not have any intentions of getting baptized today, tomorrow, or ever. Thanks.”

That sucked. I am getting out of here. I go out to the garage, get on a mountain bike and leave. My dream ends with me riding this bike.

I actually woke up feeling stressed, weird.

Celeb-look-a-like

Well, I did the whole celebrity look-a-like thing as well. I am really not too suprised with the members of a completely different race than me. What I don't get though is how this program can tell my "black" features just by looking at my face.... strange.