Must Go #3

1. Receipts- The other day I went to Albertsons Grocery store and bought one item. The receipt I received was nearly a God Damn Foot Long! I repeat, 1 single item purchased. And it is not like the printing on the receipt was in large print for the elderly. It was a bunch of tiny stuff. I think there was something on there about saving 40 cents. There may have been an invite to participate on a survey. HEY Albertson you want people to do your stupid survey, try sending them out on Myspace as a bulletin (make sure to add a questions about favorite color, who you have kissed in the last week, and favorite color). Ease up on the receipt length, it’s a waste.

2. Lip Biting- What? Lip biting you say. Yes lip biting MoFo’s. I am not talking about the sultry, super sexy lip biting that girls do, which can stay (and should actually increase). I am talking about me and those rare times when I bite my lip while politely eating a sandwich or fries or whatever. Seriously, how can I still be biting my lip when I eat? My lips may be large, but I have had them for almost 30 years. I should be use to them by now. Time to quit the accidental lip bites, they hurt like hell. One final note, ladies feel free to bite my lip for me. That can increase as well, but don't do it too hard, my lips are big enough as it is.

3. “Sammich”- It’s a sandwich asshole. Unless you have yet to attend school or an old women/man who forgot to put in her dentures stop calling it a sammich (I bet Lou Holtz say’s sammich). Just call it a sandwich; we are trying to have a society here. I should add that the homeless should feel free to say sammich though (even if they happen to have teeth). If calling it a sammich will help them get a sandwich, I say go for it.

4. “The Funnies”- Did you know that people call the Sunday comics that come in the newspaper “Funnies.” That really has to stop. I don’t think “Funnies” is even a real word; is it trying to be a noun or a verb? Make up your mind. And even if it was legit word, it should be used to describe things that are actually funny, which Sunday comics are not. Why are these shitty attempts at humor still being printed? Beetle Bailey is an asshole. UPDATE: I decided to do a little research and looked up the word “Funnies” on dictionary.com and guess what. It was in there; it’s a noun. Defined as comic strips. They still suck.

5. “Les Schwab First Down”- Ever been to a Utes game? They are great, especially when they are having a good offensive game with lots of first downs. Something seems to have changed this year though. In the past every time Utah would gain a first down the announcer would say “Another UTAH First Down!” Turns out, that is a fairly accurate description of what just occurred. This year is different though. When Utah earns a first down the announcer now says “Another Les Schwab First Down!” That is a bunch of shit. I did not see some A-hole in an oil-stained jump suit and a tire pushing guys around helping the Utes gain enough yardage to keep a drive alive. Screw you Les Schwab. I will never buy a tire from you. And screw the Utah athletic department for allowing it to happen. I wonder how much they sold phrase for. UPDATE: This went. By the end of the year “UTAH” was added to the phrase.

6. College Loan Commercials- I just saw a commercial encouraging young adults going to college to get a loan from them. The company is called “Astrive” and they are douches. They have a kids on the commercial talking about how easy it is to get a loan in just 15 minutes online. Or there is the one bragging about his 40 thousand dollar loan that he won’t have to payback until he is done with school! Another student describes how her full-ride scholarship just isn’t enough. Look, I don’t have a problem with people getting student loans, but the dicks at Astrive and similar companies just seem to be exploiting 18 year olds by encouraging amassing huge debt with them that will take 15 years to pay off. Just seems wrong to me.

7. “40MPG”- I was driving the other day and saw some hybrid vehicle of some kind. That’s great, I appreciate hybrid vehicles and I wish there were more on the roads. This particular one bothered me though. It had a personalized license plate that said “40MPG.” What to go, dick, you are getting good gas mileage. I bet this is the same asshat that bought a Hummer 5 years ago. I don’t have a problem with Hybrids, that would be ridiculous; I do have a problem with people using it as some sort of status symbol or bragging, just like every Hummer owner out there.

8. Transformers- First off, the movie sucked. Quit sticking up for it. Sure the robots were cool, but the show was stupid and made no sense. I love how during the final battle in some big city, which was 30 minutes away from Hoover Dam, there are still people casually driving all while giant robots are battling one another. But that is not my main issue. I have been noticing an increasing number of people putting transformer related stickers on their cars. I saw a brand new white, Dodge Charger, with a “To Punish And Enslave” sticker on the back corner of the car. Really, you never plan on getting laid do you?

9. Must Go- These must go lists are going. I am done. It get’s tiring paying attention to all of the annoying things that flood our society. Maybe I will do a “Must Stay” list where I notice small things that make every day better. But who knows, Michael Jordan said he was done and retired early. So did Jay Z. Maybe I will make a comeback too, the best usually.