1. West Coast Chopper Stickers/Shirts/Belt Buckles and all things related: This includes the billion varieties. Can just anybody put whatever they want in that stupid symbol? I think the printing companies could save a lot of money and instead of printing a thousand versions they can just all say “Douche Bag.” Isn’t that really what they are all saying anyway? I suppose it can these symbols can be effective in assisting in the identification of Douche Bags. That way you don’t have to spend those five minutes in talking with that person before he tells you about his Jeep and you realize that he is a Douche Bag. You will never get those 5 minutes back. Recently I saw a Douche Bag with one of these images on his shirt. It had a scripture reference. I looked closely to make sure that it was not a real cross, and it wasn’t. It was a douche symbol.
2. One parent, one toddler, McDonalds to go: If you are going to spoil the family with McDonald’s then that is just fantastic. But, try to plan a little better. How do you expect one adult to go into McDonald’s, order 6 super value combo meals to go, fill up all the beverages, and get the order out to the car with the assistance of a clumsy 4 year old. This was not a very thought out plan. Go through the drive though! I need my Coke! And quit yelling at the kid! It is not their fault you are retarded. It will be your fault though that they are retarded.
3. Coupon Books: Maybe I should call them coupon novels. I get like five of these a week. I live in an apartment with a little mailbox. They do not fit and my important mail gets mixed into the pages offering me deals on new windows and carpet cleaning. It is a waste. These companies should pay for the recycling costs in Davis County (if you want curb side recycling in Davis County you have to pay for the service). This came to the boiling point for me when I was looking for my power bill mixed into the pages of this distributed. I came across the most valuable coupon I have ever laid eyes upon. It was, I shit you not, “Buy 2 spools of thread, Get One FREE!” FUCK YOU! Fucking waste. How many people can this coupon possibly benefit? Two? Maybe three? Send the coupon to the relief society president to pass out. Or just have that policy at your store. That coupon is not going to bring in new customers. Assholes.
4. House > Cubicle: It is common for my co-workers to refer to each others cubicle as their “house.” I am sorry, but my house is not a dull, life-less, asbestos coated, dwelling surrounded my obnoxious neighbors that listen in on phone calls and tell me how to run my life. But then again, I do work for the government, so in a way I guess the listening in on calls is kind of like home.
5. Me, Messing up Lyrics: Lately I have noticed that I have been screwing up the songs that I sing to myself while I am driving around. What the hell; I know these songs; I have been listening to them for a long time. Why do I still screw them up?
6. Short handle window squeegee things at gas stations. I love it when I clean off my windshield at the gas station with a squeegee that has a handle the size of a Popsicle stick. It is usually ok, because I like it when I lean in to get the middle and my shirt gets all that really clean water on it. I am obviously not busy because I am just out getting gas. Surely I must be on my way home where I can easily change my shirt. This one is really not a big deal; maybe I will remove it from the list.
7. When Kids get hurt because the parent was not paying attention, and then blame the kid for it: The other day I was at the park with my son and we were playing on the swings. Next to me there is a woman pushing a little girl, maybe 5 years old, on a swing. She gets the little girl going and then proceeds to walk away. The girl almost immediately falls off the swing. The adult swiftly walks back and instead of asking the girl if she is ok, she says “I asked if you were comfortable, and you said you were!” She is on a fucking swing! Of course she is comfortable! She is 5 years old, make sure the kid is safe, and then don’t blame the child because your lazy fat ass wants to go sit on a park bench and he a bag of Doritos’s.
8. An A- for a grade: There should be no A-. There is no A+, why should there be an A-. You cannot make up for it in any way. You can make up for any other grade, except the A-. If you earn 90-93% out 100% in any class it should be an A.
9. Strippers at Self-Checkout: Ok, first there are way worse things to be behind at the self-checkout than a stripper. They are usually OK to look at (though they never look as good as they do in a dark gentleman’s club after a few cocktails) and at least they are not incredibly obese. But could you please use your damn debit card. Those soggy-ass-nasty dollars are not going to work in the little cash machine. Soggy-dollars are only good for one thing; giving to strippers.
10. Myspace Bulletins: First off, Myspace sucks ass. But lately I have been receiving these bulletins telling me that if I love God then I must repost this. Really, is God keeping close watch on Myspace? If God has a Myspace, why hasn’t he added as a friend? That is kind of rude.
3 comments:
Good stuff. Like Michelle, you need professional help.
Michelle said I need professional help?!
While I did not say you need professional help, I do think you need it.
Another thing to add: those stupid 400 word advertisements stuck on the back of car windshields. It started off with smallish web addresses, then moved into a listing of the driver's entire geneologial tree complete with stick figures. Now it's full windshield ads. Who has time to read these? And who, after managing to read the entire windshield novel during the length of a 30 second stoplight, thinks, "Hmmm...I would LOVE to make 100,000 a month simply by stuffing envelopes from my home! I better call the number I saw on that Yugo."
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