Tiger's Blood

Admit it, when you hear of Tiger’s Blood you immediately know that it is a snow cone flavor and not literally Tiger’s Blood. Everyone knows this. It is one of the greatest treat names in the history of treats. Have you ever been to a place that serves flavored shaved ice treats, either with or as a kid, and not ordered Tiger’s Blood over blueberry, fruit punch or the hundreds of other boring sounding snow cones? This leads me to ask this one question, why stop with the clever snow cone names at Tiger’s Blood? I don’t have the greatest memory, but as a kid I remember ordering Tiger’s Blood snow cones. Everyone who has ever had a snow cone has ordered it at least once. So why did the snow cone marketing geniuses quit with the one awesome flavor name? Did they just peak with the first suggestion? I think the flavor naming meeting must have went something like this:

Characters:
Snow Shack Boss: The Juice
Employee A: Bench
Employee B: Gooch

The Juice: Good work Bench. Tiger’s Blood is a great name for a treat. Every kid in the world will order it at least once. Next on the list is Black Cherry. Any suggestions…..nothing….no one…no one has a single idea.

Bench: Why don’t we just call it Black Cherry?

The Juice: Ok. In fact, we should just call all the other flavors by what they actually are and call it a day. HEY! Gooch! PUFF PUFF PASS, quit bogarting the reefer!
(You know they were a bunch of stoners)

Bench: Should I trademark Tiger’s Blood?

The Juice: (Cough Cough) What the hell is a trademark? Here hit this and we will worry about it later.

Old Woman vs. Escalator

So I was at the mall with my son on Dec. 21. We were waiting in line for him to see Santa. Our spot in line was right next to the escalator going up to the second level. Well, an elderly woman with a couple large bags (actual shopping bags, perverts) in one hand and a walking cane in the other approached the moving stairs. This looked like a potentially bad situation. With caution she placed her left her hand, the one with cane, on the moving hand rail. She did not have a firm grip of it as he black belt simply glided through her hand. Next she placed her left foot on the slowly moving step. She then tried to move her next foot onto the same step, but failed, miserably. She proceeded to fall on her backside. So here is the scene, little old lady with a cane and a bunch of bags on her back half way on and half way off the escalator. She looked like a turtle on it’s back. Meanwhile, a bunch of people in the Santa line witnessing this as well as several people at the escalator. I heard one lady say “Are you OK???” as she stared at the old woman and her multiple failed attempts at getting up. I soon realized that no one next to her was going to help her up, maybe they were all in shock, and I certainly was for a moment. So, I told my son to stay where he was and walked like ten feet over to help her up. I arrived at the same time as another woman, who I assume is some sort of people-helper because she was wearing scrubs. Together we helped the old woman to her feet. And it is a good thing we were both there because it certainly took both of us to get her off the ground. I am not sure what was in her bags, no not those one, her shopping bags (I know what was in the others, wink wink vomit), but they were heavy. Are granny panties heavy? Once she was to her feet she said “I knew that would happen. I hate these things.” My response was “Well there is an elevator like 20 feet over there” as I pointed it out to her. She ignored this suggestion and again attempted the escalator. The nurse asked if she needed her to ride with her to the top. The old woman declined, but the nurse helped her get on the first, apparently crucial step and she was on her way.

I thought about making this an entry in my must go series. This lady should have never been near the escalator, and she knew it. She even said she hates escalators! She could have easily taken the elevator, which was really close. Overall, I am glad she was ok and that she made it to the top of the escalator without further incident. She could have easily hurt herself badly. I was also glad to see someone else step in and help and who was willing to ensure the safety of another person. I also want it to be clear that I don’t think anyone was wrong for not stepping up and helping immediately. I think it took a lot of people by surprise. Finally, the nurse was fairly attractive, I know you were wondering.

So I wanted to add something funny and what is funnier than a kid getting hit in the nuts? Well the fat kid who sets up the nut hitting falling off his chair right before the hit. Enjoy.

My Wonderful Logan

So I have had a pretty rough week. I won’t go into all of the details, but I have had a tough couple of days. Well, usually when this happens my son, Logan, seems to always cheer me up. I believe he can sense when I am going through a difficult period. He never does anything to acknowledge it, but always does something special which always makes me loved. This particular time I went and picked him up after not seeing him for about a week. The weather was horrible; the roads were covered in snow and were becoming icy. As we were sitting in traffic an ambulance sped by followed by a fire tuck. Both were presumably on their way to the same emergency. We had the following conversation:

Logan: Why is there a fire truck? There probably isn’t a fire.

Me: Fire men help people when they are hurt in as well as putting out fires.

Logan: Do they help people that are dying?

Me: Yes. They help anyone that needs it.

Logan: If I was dying would they help me?

Me: Yes. They would definitely help.

Logan: I don’t want to die.

Me: I don’t want that to happen either.

Logan: Dad, if you were dead I would jump on you.

Me: Jump on me? (I am picturing him hopping on me like a human trampoline)

Logan: Yea, I don’t want you to go without me.

Me: (What can I say to that) Oh, that is so sweet!

Logan is amazing. I literally did not know what to say. This was one of those moments with my son that can make everything seem fine, as long as he is there. I may or may not have shed a tear or two.

Maynard in PJ's

So I was goofing around on Youtube and I found this old footage of TOOL and Maynard James Keenan at a concert back in 1993. He sure has changed, kind of ,in the last 14 years. Can you believe it has been 14 years since Sober came out?!? They continue to make awesome music and put on the greatest shows.

Mr. Brightside

I just wanted to add this video. It really kind of fits my mood today. But really, it is a really good song and one of my favorite videos. The line "It started out as a kiss how did it end up like this, it was only a kiss?" is so simple and perfect. Anyway, I basically added it for my own benefit because I like it.

The Killers - Mr. Brightside
Uploaded by The-Killers

Must Go #3

1. Receipts- The other day I went to Albertsons Grocery store and bought one item. The receipt I received was nearly a God Damn Foot Long! I repeat, 1 single item purchased. And it is not like the printing on the receipt was in large print for the elderly. It was a bunch of tiny stuff. I think there was something on there about saving 40 cents. There may have been an invite to participate on a survey. HEY Albertson you want people to do your stupid survey, try sending them out on Myspace as a bulletin (make sure to add a questions about favorite color, who you have kissed in the last week, and favorite color). Ease up on the receipt length, it’s a waste.

2. Lip Biting- What? Lip biting you say. Yes lip biting MoFo’s. I am not talking about the sultry, super sexy lip biting that girls do, which can stay (and should actually increase). I am talking about me and those rare times when I bite my lip while politely eating a sandwich or fries or whatever. Seriously, how can I still be biting my lip when I eat? My lips may be large, but I have had them for almost 30 years. I should be use to them by now. Time to quit the accidental lip bites, they hurt like hell. One final note, ladies feel free to bite my lip for me. That can increase as well, but don't do it too hard, my lips are big enough as it is.

3. “Sammich”- It’s a sandwich asshole. Unless you have yet to attend school or an old women/man who forgot to put in her dentures stop calling it a sammich (I bet Lou Holtz say’s sammich). Just call it a sandwich; we are trying to have a society here. I should add that the homeless should feel free to say sammich though (even if they happen to have teeth). If calling it a sammich will help them get a sandwich, I say go for it.

4. “The Funnies”- Did you know that people call the Sunday comics that come in the newspaper “Funnies.” That really has to stop. I don’t think “Funnies” is even a real word; is it trying to be a noun or a verb? Make up your mind. And even if it was legit word, it should be used to describe things that are actually funny, which Sunday comics are not. Why are these shitty attempts at humor still being printed? Beetle Bailey is an asshole. UPDATE: I decided to do a little research and looked up the word “Funnies” on dictionary.com and guess what. It was in there; it’s a noun. Defined as comic strips. They still suck.

5. “Les Schwab First Down”- Ever been to a Utes game? They are great, especially when they are having a good offensive game with lots of first downs. Something seems to have changed this year though. In the past every time Utah would gain a first down the announcer would say “Another UTAH First Down!” Turns out, that is a fairly accurate description of what just occurred. This year is different though. When Utah earns a first down the announcer now says “Another Les Schwab First Down!” That is a bunch of shit. I did not see some A-hole in an oil-stained jump suit and a tire pushing guys around helping the Utes gain enough yardage to keep a drive alive. Screw you Les Schwab. I will never buy a tire from you. And screw the Utah athletic department for allowing it to happen. I wonder how much they sold phrase for. UPDATE: This went. By the end of the year “UTAH” was added to the phrase.

6. College Loan Commercials- I just saw a commercial encouraging young adults going to college to get a loan from them. The company is called “Astrive” and they are douches. They have a kids on the commercial talking about how easy it is to get a loan in just 15 minutes online. Or there is the one bragging about his 40 thousand dollar loan that he won’t have to payback until he is done with school! Another student describes how her full-ride scholarship just isn’t enough. Look, I don’t have a problem with people getting student loans, but the dicks at Astrive and similar companies just seem to be exploiting 18 year olds by encouraging amassing huge debt with them that will take 15 years to pay off. Just seems wrong to me.

7. “40MPG”- I was driving the other day and saw some hybrid vehicle of some kind. That’s great, I appreciate hybrid vehicles and I wish there were more on the roads. This particular one bothered me though. It had a personalized license plate that said “40MPG.” What to go, dick, you are getting good gas mileage. I bet this is the same asshat that bought a Hummer 5 years ago. I don’t have a problem with Hybrids, that would be ridiculous; I do have a problem with people using it as some sort of status symbol or bragging, just like every Hummer owner out there.

8. Transformers- First off, the movie sucked. Quit sticking up for it. Sure the robots were cool, but the show was stupid and made no sense. I love how during the final battle in some big city, which was 30 minutes away from Hoover Dam, there are still people casually driving all while giant robots are battling one another. But that is not my main issue. I have been noticing an increasing number of people putting transformer related stickers on their cars. I saw a brand new white, Dodge Charger, with a “To Punish And Enslave” sticker on the back corner of the car. Really, you never plan on getting laid do you?

9. Must Go- These must go lists are going. I am done. It get’s tiring paying attention to all of the annoying things that flood our society. Maybe I will do a “Must Stay” list where I notice small things that make every day better. But who knows, Michael Jordan said he was done and retired early. So did Jay Z. Maybe I will make a comeback too, the best usually.

Back to Bloggin/Mitch Hedberg.

It has been a while, a long while, since I wrote any blogs. I do have a good reason though, I can't write blogs at work. I work for the government and their firewall has blocked all access to blog sites. That is when I would do my best writing. Anyway, I let this sit for too long, and I think it is time I get going again.

So to liven up this particular entry I wanted to add some jokes from one of the greatest comedians ever, Mitch Hedberg. I had similar experience to one of the jokes he makes at the 6 minute mark about fire hazards. I was assisting at a fashion show and was in the back stage area. There were camera's and lighting equipment set up so we could take pictures of the models. The area we were shooting was technically a public are and in front of an exit, but not frequently used (at the Gateway). Well, a short little bald man entered the little scene, so I decided I would help him get past all the equipment/wardrobe/models. When I got to the door he started lecturing me that I had created a fire hazard and it was a $500.00. I told him that if there was a fire we would all leave; we all have legs and therefore cannot be a fire hazard. He was not impressed with the joke and said he was going to call the organizer of the event. Turns out the little bald man is one of the owners of The Gateway.... Ooops