Maid Service?

A few years back I moved into my good friend Jake’s new house. There were just we two strapping young bachelors living there; not a lot of cleaning got done. Our main goal seemed to be meeting new girls; we put a lot of energy into that. Well, one a beautiful sunny day I returned home in the afternoon. I just happened to be in the driveway as two lovely young ladies drove by in a jeep. I was feeling particularly polite that day so I gave them a little wave; a little “how you ladies doing.” Jake’s house is on the corner of a cul-de-sac, which the girls turned into (his driveway is off the main road). So, I go inside the house and take a quick peek out the window to see where these lovely young ladies happened to be going and they had stopped right in front of the house and had got out of the car. Well, now I obviously move away from the window assuming that they are on their way up to the house. Nothing happens. They disappeared; no idea where they went. But, their car was still there. What the hell was going on? So, I eventually went out to my car and what did I find? On the windshield of my car was a little note (obviously from the hotties). They were advertising a maid service. SCORE! (Not Actual Blondes)

I present this opportunity to Jake. “We can have hot girls over and they will also clean the house. WIN WIN (for us at least)!” It is agreed that I should call them in two days. So the two days go by and I give them a call and make an appointment. The call was not necessarily smooth, this never happens to me. It was not my fault though; the beautiful blonde that I happened to be talking to had a fairly strong, Latin accent. So, being the small talk professional that I am, I ask where they are from. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So, if you don’t mind me asking, where are you two from?
Hottie Blonde Maid: Guatemala.
Me: Beautiful, blonde and from Guatemala? Must be my lucky day, how about you two come over tomorrow and we can talk about the cleaning.
Hottie Blonde Maid: Ok.

Slam! Homerun! Now all I have to do is casually jog around the bases.

6pm the next day arrives with a knock at the front door. (We also happened to be preparing for a photo shoot that night so Jake was off with the model and the make-up gal prepping. So, there are about to be four hotties in the house at one time with two jack asses. Those are good numbers). I answer the door, and much to my dismay, there are no hottie-blonde-maids to be seen. What the flying hell is going on! There are two, not cute Guatemalans. One of which is about to go into labor. What the Hell! Well, I invite them in and show them the place. As we talk with them I learn that they speak very little English. Jake comes down to meet the maids and stops dead in his tracks, like he had just seen a ghost. He immediately returned to prepping the model, good move on his part. I struggled with the maids for a few more moments, got a quote for cleaning and sent them on their way.

What the hell happened!? Where were the hotties?! Where did they go!? Did the Guatemalans send the hotties to put the notes on the cars? It doesn’t seem very likely. I still have no idea what happened to the hotties.

New Rule!

I decided to make a new rule. If you are going to leave feedback on someone’s blog that pretty much judges the writer and tells them that they are living a sad life; then you are NOT allowed to do anonymously. I think I will quote a friend, who shall remain anonymous: "If you're going to be big enough to say it, be big enough to say who you are."

Take a look at the specific instance I am referring to from an entry I placed in January 2007 titled Nice Dream: Getting Baptized? Me? . Seems pretty judgmental; I should not be too surprised though. I spent 18 years going to church as a child and young adult, watching people judge each other. Luckily I have been on parole since I was about 18 and I plan on being good so that I never have to go back to that hell.

I cannot believe I am about to do this, but here is a scripture reference.

Matthew 7:1-5

7:1 Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

The last thing I will say is that I am who I am. I am happy with the decisions I have made in my life. I like being the captain of my own ship. If you choose not agree with me, that’s fine, I don’t care, I can respect that. Feel free to comment and say whatever you want. But if you are going to judge me and the life I live; go right ahead. But, if you choose to do it, grow a pair and leave your actual name. Then I won’t judge you for being a pussy.

Must Go #2

1. West Coast Chopper Stickers/Shirts/Belt Buckles and all things related: This includes the billion varieties. Can just anybody put whatever they want in that stupid symbol? I think the printing companies could save a lot of money and instead of printing a thousand versions they can just all say “Douche Bag.” Isn’t that really what they are all saying anyway? I suppose it can these symbols can be effective in assisting in the identification of Douche Bags. That way you don’t have to spend those five minutes in talking with that person before he tells you about his Jeep and you realize that he is a Douche Bag. You will never get those 5 minutes back. Recently I saw a Douche Bag with one of these images on his shirt. It had a scripture reference. I looked closely to make sure that it was not a real cross, and it wasn’t. It was a douche symbol.

2. One parent, one toddler, McDonalds to go: If you are going to spoil the family with McDonald’s then that is just fantastic. But, try to plan a little better. How do you expect one adult to go into McDonald’s, order 6 super value combo meals to go, fill up all the beverages, and get the order out to the car with the assistance of a clumsy 4 year old. This was not a very thought out plan. Go through the drive though! I need my Coke! And quit yelling at the kid! It is not their fault you are retarded. It will be your fault though that they are retarded.

3. Coupon Books: Maybe I should call them coupon novels. I get like five of these a week. I live in an apartment with a little mailbox. They do not fit and my important mail gets mixed into the pages offering me deals on new windows and carpet cleaning. It is a waste. These companies should pay for the recycling costs in Davis County (if you want curb side recycling in Davis County you have to pay for the service). This came to the boiling point for me when I was looking for my power bill mixed into the pages of this distributed. I came across the most valuable coupon I have ever laid eyes upon. It was, I shit you not, “Buy 2 spools of thread, Get One FREE!” FUCK YOU! Fucking waste. How many people can this coupon possibly benefit? Two? Maybe three? Send the coupon to the relief society president to pass out. Or just have that policy at your store. That coupon is not going to bring in new customers. Assholes.

4. House > Cubicle: It is common for my co-workers to refer to each others cubicle as their “house.” I am sorry, but my house is not a dull, life-less, asbestos coated, dwelling surrounded my obnoxious neighbors that listen in on phone calls and tell me how to run my life. But then again, I do work for the government, so in a way I guess the listening in on calls is kind of like home.

5. Me, Messing up Lyrics: Lately I have noticed that I have been screwing up the songs that I sing to myself while I am driving around. What the hell; I know these songs; I have been listening to them for a long time. Why do I still screw them up?

6. Short handle window squeegee things at gas stations. I love it when I clean off my windshield at the gas station with a squeegee that has a handle the size of a Popsicle stick. It is usually ok, because I like it when I lean in to get the middle and my shirt gets all that really clean water on it. I am obviously not busy because I am just out getting gas. Surely I must be on my way home where I can easily change my shirt. This one is really not a big deal; maybe I will remove it from the list.

7. When Kids get hurt because the parent was not paying attention, and then blame the kid for it: The other day I was at the park with my son and we were playing on the swings. Next to me there is a woman pushing a little girl, maybe 5 years old, on a swing. She gets the little girl going and then proceeds to walk away. The girl almost immediately falls off the swing. The adult swiftly walks back and instead of asking the girl if she is ok, she says “I asked if you were comfortable, and you said you were!” She is on a fucking swing! Of course she is comfortable! She is 5 years old, make sure the kid is safe, and then don’t blame the child because your lazy fat ass wants to go sit on a park bench and he a bag of Doritos’s.

8. An A- for a grade: There should be no A-. There is no A+, why should there be an A-. You cannot make up for it in any way. You can make up for any other grade, except the A-. If you earn 90-93% out 100% in any class it should be an A.

9. Strippers at Self-Checkout: Ok, first there are way worse things to be behind at the self-checkout than a stripper. They are usually OK to look at (though they never look as good as they do in a dark gentleman’s club after a few cocktails) and at least they are not incredibly obese. But could you please use your damn debit card. Those soggy-ass-nasty dollars are not going to work in the little cash machine. Soggy-dollars are only good for one thing; giving to strippers.

10. Myspace Bulletins: First off, Myspace sucks ass. But lately I have been receiving these bulletins telling me that if I love God then I must repost this. Really, is God keeping close watch on Myspace? If God has a Myspace, why hasn’t he added as a friend? That is kind of rude.

Coultergeist

So there are a lot of hyperlinks in this rant. Now, to watch the videos click on the hyperlink and then on the download link next to the WMP icon.

I hate wasting my energy thinking about Ann Coulter, let alone writing or talking about her. She is a horrible human. She is filled with hate and spews it all over the place under the guise of being a conservative pundit. I did not really want to write about her, but her latest column inspired me to vent a little. This is a quote from her column on April 4, 2007:

“These people can't even wrap up genocide. We've been hearing about this slaughter in Darfur forever — and they still haven't finished. The aggressors are moving like termites across that country. It's like genocide by committee. Who's running this holocaust in Darfur, FEMA?”

This is her comment about the slaying of millions of people; women and children. She wants this genocide to speed up. Has she no soul? This must be one of her well thought out jokes. Isn’t she considered a “compassionate conservative?” I can just feel the compassion. I would like to give her a compassionate Donkey Punch!

She also says the following:
“If you want a shorter rebuilding process, then we're going to have to wage less humane wars. The enemy — as well as innocent civilians — must be bombed into quivering terror. Otherwise, we displace aggression but don't destroy it.”
Is this one a joke…? I don’t get her comedy.

Here is another wonderful quote from a speech she gave at the “Reclaiming America for Christ” conference:
“Those few abortionists were shot, or, depending on your point of view, had a procedure with a rifle performed on them. I’m not justifying it, but I do understand how it happened....The number of deaths attributed to Roe v. Wade about 40 million aborted babies and seven abortion clinic workers; 40 million to seven is also a pretty good measure of how the political debate is going.”

How in the flying hell does she still have a syndicated column. Don Imus gets fired for his racial remarks, and it was probably warranted. She has called Bill Clinton gay and Al Gore a “fag” (watch both clips on the link) and more recently Presidential candidate John Edwards a “faggot.” Although, after the Gore comment she said she was joking. Good one. I could go on and on and on and on. She is a horrible, hateful person. Imus stated that he was joking when he called the Rutgers women’s basketball team “Nappy Headed Ho’s.” He was fired; all I want is to Donkey Punch her. Is that too much to ask?

Interesting side note, the strapping young lad in the photo above was making the rounds at Fox Noise telling about his visit to a college campus. He told stories of a mob of students yelling at him and calling him a baby killer. Well, as it turns out, the fellow is a gay porn star and escort. His “acting” name is Rod Majors. Here is the actual story.

I have to give credit to Keith Olberman for the name Coultergeist. I get that joke. Here is another quick video.

Old People Suck!

There is a great line in a song by the White Stripes. It goes “I just hope I don’t act the same way by the time that I get that old.” This is in reference to him attempting to win the approval of his girlfriend’s mother, but nothing seems to be working for him. Well, I believe we can all relate to this particular line in this song. We all know old people who drive us fucking nuts. I personally know about 2 dozen, which coincidentally are all the old people I know. This may also have to do with the fact that I “literally” work in a “retirement home.” (Retirement home is the nickname I gave my cubicle area that I work in because of all the old bastards that surround me and tell stories from the “good ole days”) Here are a few things I hope to avoid when I get older.

First, I am not sure how this is, but old people must have finger nails that grow like lightening. I also do not know why they assume that public finger nail clipping is an acceptable behavior. They just clip away, at their desk, with no regard to the finger nail shrapnel flying in all directions. I never thought I might need safety glasses for my desk job. It would be one thing if this happened just once in a while, but it happens nearly every damn day! And it is not two clips and the finger nail is done. No! Each finger nail takes an average of about ten clips to shorten to the appropriate length. And each tiny clip sends off a nail fragment like a shell casing from a machine gun.

I hope to avoid constantly saying “I Says, I Says” every third sentence in a conversation. It is like I work with Foghorn Leghorn (this is the nickname I have given to this particular oldie). This is a recording from a conversation I had with Foghorn Leghorn. And here is another clip for fun.

It has recently come to my attention (thank you Michelle) that Foghorn Leghorn also has a problem with zipping up his pants. Which is enough of a problem by itself, but it is compounded by the fact that when this individual gets fired up with some random issue (like plumbing in his house or running over alligators) he has a tendency to swing that particular region of his body. At any moment in time his junk could interrupt an already unfortunate situation. Sorry if you just puked in your mouth.


Well, that is all I want to say about the oldies I work with. Actually, this is all about one person, but that does not change the fact that old people suck.

Alex Grey

Painting- Alex Grey

This is pretty much my favorite painting ever. I love all of this guy's work. You can find more at www.alexgrey.com. I really like how there is all this stimulus going on in the background. There seems to be "good" influences making it's way into whatever the artist is painting, but the evil in the bottom left corner seems to be blocked out. This is definitely influenced by the belief of the "Third Eye"

50 Funniest Homer Simpson Quotes

So I just came across this list on some website (www.2spare.com). I figured the easiest way to share this hilarity with my many devoted friends and readers was to just post it here. Enjoy Michelle and Carlee. (These are in no particular order, I put a couple of my favorites in bold)

· Operator! Give me the number for 911!
· Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
· Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
· Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
· I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
· Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
· Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
· Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
· Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
· Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
· You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
· Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
· When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
· Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
· I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
· [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
· What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
· Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
· Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
· The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
· When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
· I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
· Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
· I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
· Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
· It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
· Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
· I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
· Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
· Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
· Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
· How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
· Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
· Homer no function beer well without.
· I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
· Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
· If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
· I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
· I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
· [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
· All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
· Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
· But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
· I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
· Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
· That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
· Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
· If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
· I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
· 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?