Must GO 4

I know I said I was retiring these list, but I lied. This one has a few more that are serious and they really got this list going. I tried to add some more humorous stuff though in the end. Enjoy and feel free to add stuff in the comments.

1. Not buckling up kids: How are people still not buckling up kinds in their cars. I am amazed every time I see this. This particular time I saw a large traveling type van. Inside it there were probably 4 or 5 kids just walking around; like they were in their damn living room. Maybe that is their living room, who knows. But one thing is for certain, if that vehicle is moving the kids should be buckled up. There is no excuse for it and is incredibly irresponsible. If you ever see a car driving with unbuckled children you can call1-800-887-5437. It is just a message, but you leave the date, time, location, and description of the car. I, unfortunately, have called this number several times and will continue to do so. The message states that they will attempt to contact the driver, but who knows what actually happens. Once I gave a woman a big ole “Thumbs Down” when she looked at me noticing her unbuckled infant in the front seat of her car. I bet she is still feeling that one.

2. Lou Holtz AKA Grandpa Simpson: He is the worst announcer of any kind in the history of people talking on TV. ESPN probably has to place a tarp under for every game to keep all of his slobber in check. I used to love watching College Gameday. It was a good college football show, at least until last year when they brought in Grandpa Simpson. He actually was calling the Utah Utes bowl game this year. It looked like it was raining at the stadium, it turns out it was just slobber from Lou Holtz try to talk and say his “S’s”.
   Here is a small Lou Holtz sample. Actually it is an impression, but I hate to say that it is not much of an exaggeration.
   

3. FDA/EPA: And all other government entities that are consistently failing to serve the people and continue to help make corporations money. I am tired of the FDA. They are useless. I heard, but I have not been able to verify this, that the FDA has no definition for the term “All Natural.” Who knows what the all natural Beef N’ Chedder from Arby’s is. Here is a link to an interview with a former employee of the FDA. He was the whistle blower who helped expose Vioxx, the prescription medicine that the FDA approved and cost thousands of people their lives. (Not super exciting, but interesting and frustrating).
   
   I also bring up the EPA specifically because of this recent article. The individual states are attempting to create higher emission standards, but they are blocked by the EPA? We are the worst (maybe 2^nd worst) polluting country in the world! What the fuck does the EPA do all day? Get money from GM and a complimentary Hummer (both kinds)!

4. Soda Filler Uppers- Where is the etiquette at the fountain machine. People are so inconsiderate while filling up their beverages. If you are eating at random shitty fast food place then why does one person end up filling up drinks for everyone? Plus you don’t have to fill it to the very brim of the cup. Fill up your drink and step to the side to put your lid on. There are people waiting for your fat ass to get out of the way. Please stop tapping the Coke button to squeeze every last ounce that you can into that 32 ounce cup. Look, I realize you like your fat ass and want to keep it that way, but I don’t think it will hurt to leave an ounce out of your cup, plus I am sure your fat ass will be back to for refills. I was just recently behind a guy filling up his drink and he stopped and started taking sips. What the hell, there are people waiting you cock. Fortunately, I punched him in the back of the head. Unfortunately it was so hard that his head became stuck in the machine causing ice to spill everywhere and preventing others from filling up their drinks. (Did not actually happen)
   Also, eating establishments that do not offer refills need to get it together. I rarely pay for my meals with cash. If I happen to need a refill I either need to go ask other patrons for change or charge $.50 on my debit card. Get with the program and just give people their refills (I am talking to you Pace’s Dive-In).

5. Chip Demolition: If I can hear you approaching from twenty yards away because of your inability to eat a chip with some sort of control you may have a problem. If I am in another room watching a movie and I can hear you demolishing a damn bag of chips you have a problem. Please just stop and chew with your mouth closed, I am too nice to say anything, but one day I just might snap.
   
   
6. Myspace Server: Come on myspace, get it together. Why can you not get a better server? They are constantly having problems. Also, do something about all the spam and people getting hacked. No one in their right mind sends out multiple bulletins advertising blow jobs or getting laid tonight. Can you not figure out a way to tackle this problem? It happens to people on a daily basis.
   
   
7. Corner Advertisers: Have you noticed this new marketing trend that some jack ass’s must think actually works. They are placing some naïve teenager on the corner with a big ass sign and paying them to dance and wave. Two problems with this; first, have all the monkeys found better jobs? Second, these companies are occupying perfectly good corners while taking good corners from good and hard working ladies. They have owned the corners for year. Who the hell does D.A. (Dumb Ass) Wireless Company think they are taking these corners? In fact, why not just pay the hookers a little money to hold up the sign for them. It would probably be more effective. Just imagine, you could get a “date” and a new phone with one convenient stop. It is about as effective as the advertising style in the video below.
   
   
8. Radio Commercials: One more on advertising. Have you heard the commercials on the radio that advertise how their radio station has the east commercials? What the hell?!?

9. Stupid Dance Movies: Are there really that many people into competitive street dancing that movie companies make sequel after sequel? Why are they always dancing in the rain? And not just a little drizzle my nizzle. They are dancing in the pouring rain, water splashing all over the dancers. I guess they are tougher than I thought, they dance rain or shine! I bet they would dance during the second coming of Jesus, and I bet Jesus would be impressed with their dancing skills and try to join in, but his approach would be different, but someone (probably a blonde rebellious girl) would recognize his raw and unique method. He would take Jesus aside and tell him “No matter what you do, you just dance, dance out what is inside of you!”
   Here is a trailer for the latest dance off movie. It is called "Step up 2: The Streets Mother Fuckers!" Watch it without laughing, I dare you!
   

Must Go #3

1. Receipts- The other day I went to Albertsons Grocery store and bought one item. The receipt I received was nearly a God Damn Foot Long! I repeat, 1 single item purchased. And it is not like the printing on the receipt was in large print for the elderly. It was a bunch of tiny stuff. I think there was something on there about saving 40 cents. There may have been an invite to participate on a survey. HEY Albertson you want people to do your stupid survey, try sending them out on Myspace as a bulletin (make sure to add a questions about favorite color, who you have kissed in the last week, and favorite color). Ease up on the receipt length, it’s a waste.

2. Lip Biting- What? Lip biting you say. Yes lip biting MoFo’s. I am not talking about the sultry, super sexy lip biting that girls do, which can stay (and should actually increase). I am talking about me and those rare times when I bite my lip while politely eating a sandwich or fries or whatever. Seriously, how can I still be biting my lip when I eat? My lips may be large, but I have had them for almost 30 years. I should be use to them by now. Time to quit the accidental lip bites, they hurt like hell. One final note, ladies feel free to bite my lip for me. That can increase as well, but don't do it too hard, my lips are big enough as it is.

3. “Sammich”- It’s a sandwich asshole. Unless you have yet to attend school or an old women/man who forgot to put in her dentures stop calling it a sammich (I bet Lou Holtz say’s sammich). Just call it a sandwich; we are trying to have a society here. I should add that the homeless should feel free to say sammich though (even if they happen to have teeth). If calling it a sammich will help them get a sandwich, I say go for it.

4. “The Funnies”- Did you know that people call the Sunday comics that come in the newspaper “Funnies.” That really has to stop. I don’t think “Funnies” is even a real word; is it trying to be a noun or a verb? Make up your mind. And even if it was legit word, it should be used to describe things that are actually funny, which Sunday comics are not. Why are these shitty attempts at humor still being printed? Beetle Bailey is an asshole. UPDATE: I decided to do a little research and looked up the word “Funnies” on dictionary.com and guess what. It was in there; it’s a noun. Defined as comic strips. They still suck.

5. “Les Schwab First Down”- Ever been to a Utes game? They are great, especially when they are having a good offensive game with lots of first downs. Something seems to have changed this year though. In the past every time Utah would gain a first down the announcer would say “Another UTAH First Down!” Turns out, that is a fairly accurate description of what just occurred. This year is different though. When Utah earns a first down the announcer now says “Another Les Schwab First Down!” That is a bunch of shit. I did not see some A-hole in an oil-stained jump suit and a tire pushing guys around helping the Utes gain enough yardage to keep a drive alive. Screw you Les Schwab. I will never buy a tire from you. And screw the Utah athletic department for allowing it to happen. I wonder how much they sold phrase for. UPDATE: This went. By the end of the year “UTAH” was added to the phrase.

6. College Loan Commercials- I just saw a commercial encouraging young adults going to college to get a loan from them. The company is called “Astrive” and they are douches. They have a kids on the commercial talking about how easy it is to get a loan in just 15 minutes online. Or there is the one bragging about his 40 thousand dollar loan that he won’t have to payback until he is done with school! Another student describes how her full-ride scholarship just isn’t enough. Look, I don’t have a problem with people getting student loans, but the dicks at Astrive and similar companies just seem to be exploiting 18 year olds by encouraging amassing huge debt with them that will take 15 years to pay off. Just seems wrong to me.

7. “40MPG”- I was driving the other day and saw some hybrid vehicle of some kind. That’s great, I appreciate hybrid vehicles and I wish there were more on the roads. This particular one bothered me though. It had a personalized license plate that said “40MPG.” What to go, dick, you are getting good gas mileage. I bet this is the same asshat that bought a Hummer 5 years ago. I don’t have a problem with Hybrids, that would be ridiculous; I do have a problem with people using it as some sort of status symbol or bragging, just like every Hummer owner out there.

8. Transformers- First off, the movie sucked. Quit sticking up for it. Sure the robots were cool, but the show was stupid and made no sense. I love how during the final battle in some big city, which was 30 minutes away from Hoover Dam, there are still people casually driving all while giant robots are battling one another. But that is not my main issue. I have been noticing an increasing number of people putting transformer related stickers on their cars. I saw a brand new white, Dodge Charger, with a “To Punish And Enslave” sticker on the back corner of the car. Really, you never plan on getting laid do you?

9. Must Go- These must go lists are going. I am done. It get’s tiring paying attention to all of the annoying things that flood our society. Maybe I will do a “Must Stay” list where I notice small things that make every day better. But who knows, Michael Jordan said he was done and retired early. So did Jay Z. Maybe I will make a comeback too, the best usually.

Must Go #2

1. West Coast Chopper Stickers/Shirts/Belt Buckles and all things related: This includes the billion varieties. Can just anybody put whatever they want in that stupid symbol? I think the printing companies could save a lot of money and instead of printing a thousand versions they can just all say “Douche Bag.” Isn’t that really what they are all saying anyway? I suppose it can these symbols can be effective in assisting in the identification of Douche Bags. That way you don’t have to spend those five minutes in talking with that person before he tells you about his Jeep and you realize that he is a Douche Bag. You will never get those 5 minutes back. Recently I saw a Douche Bag with one of these images on his shirt. It had a scripture reference. I looked closely to make sure that it was not a real cross, and it wasn’t. It was a douche symbol.

2. One parent, one toddler, McDonalds to go: If you are going to spoil the family with McDonald’s then that is just fantastic. But, try to plan a little better. How do you expect one adult to go into McDonald’s, order 6 super value combo meals to go, fill up all the beverages, and get the order out to the car with the assistance of a clumsy 4 year old. This was not a very thought out plan. Go through the drive though! I need my Coke! And quit yelling at the kid! It is not their fault you are retarded. It will be your fault though that they are retarded.

3. Coupon Books: Maybe I should call them coupon novels. I get like five of these a week. I live in an apartment with a little mailbox. They do not fit and my important mail gets mixed into the pages offering me deals on new windows and carpet cleaning. It is a waste. These companies should pay for the recycling costs in Davis County (if you want curb side recycling in Davis County you have to pay for the service). This came to the boiling point for me when I was looking for my power bill mixed into the pages of this distributed. I came across the most valuable coupon I have ever laid eyes upon. It was, I shit you not, “Buy 2 spools of thread, Get One FREE!” FUCK YOU! Fucking waste. How many people can this coupon possibly benefit? Two? Maybe three? Send the coupon to the relief society president to pass out. Or just have that policy at your store. That coupon is not going to bring in new customers. Assholes.

4. House > Cubicle: It is common for my co-workers to refer to each others cubicle as their “house.” I am sorry, but my house is not a dull, life-less, asbestos coated, dwelling surrounded my obnoxious neighbors that listen in on phone calls and tell me how to run my life. But then again, I do work for the government, so in a way I guess the listening in on calls is kind of like home.

5. Me, Messing up Lyrics: Lately I have noticed that I have been screwing up the songs that I sing to myself while I am driving around. What the hell; I know these songs; I have been listening to them for a long time. Why do I still screw them up?

6. Short handle window squeegee things at gas stations. I love it when I clean off my windshield at the gas station with a squeegee that has a handle the size of a Popsicle stick. It is usually ok, because I like it when I lean in to get the middle and my shirt gets all that really clean water on it. I am obviously not busy because I am just out getting gas. Surely I must be on my way home where I can easily change my shirt. This one is really not a big deal; maybe I will remove it from the list.

7. When Kids get hurt because the parent was not paying attention, and then blame the kid for it: The other day I was at the park with my son and we were playing on the swings. Next to me there is a woman pushing a little girl, maybe 5 years old, on a swing. She gets the little girl going and then proceeds to walk away. The girl almost immediately falls off the swing. The adult swiftly walks back and instead of asking the girl if she is ok, she says “I asked if you were comfortable, and you said you were!” She is on a fucking swing! Of course she is comfortable! She is 5 years old, make sure the kid is safe, and then don’t blame the child because your lazy fat ass wants to go sit on a park bench and he a bag of Doritos’s.

8. An A- for a grade: There should be no A-. There is no A+, why should there be an A-. You cannot make up for it in any way. You can make up for any other grade, except the A-. If you earn 90-93% out 100% in any class it should be an A.

9. Strippers at Self-Checkout: Ok, first there are way worse things to be behind at the self-checkout than a stripper. They are usually OK to look at (though they never look as good as they do in a dark gentleman’s club after a few cocktails) and at least they are not incredibly obese. But could you please use your damn debit card. Those soggy-ass-nasty dollars are not going to work in the little cash machine. Soggy-dollars are only good for one thing; giving to strippers.

10. Myspace Bulletins: First off, Myspace sucks ass. But lately I have been receiving these bulletins telling me that if I love God then I must repost this. Really, is God keeping close watch on Myspace? If God has a Myspace, why hasn’t he added as a friend? That is kind of rude.

Must Go

I originally posted this on myspace. Figured I would put it here as well.

First off, must give credit to X96 for the title. The only reason I have not sent this list into them is because who knows when they will get around to it. That being said, here is some things that I feel just simply need to disappear. Feel free to add to the list.

1. MARBLES- Marbles are simply a waste. Unless you are involved in the World Series of Hungry Hungry Hippos there is no reason to have marbles. They are in no way a fun toy. Little kids think they are a ball that they can throw, which they do, and hard at that. Marbles always end up on the floor as well, lost in the carpet until you step on it with a bare foot. That shit hurts. So with that, marbles just need to go.

2. CUP SIGNS ON OVERPASS- This is just retarded and has gone on for way to long. Have you ever been driving on the freeway and looked up to notice that the over pass has a special note that says "Welcome Home John." You think someone named John gets all excited when he sees his name up there? Goes home and thanks his wife, only to find out that it was for a different John. His disappointment slowly turns to rage as he kills all the family's pets to punish them for their lack of appreciation!

3. TRAINS-That's right I said it. Trains. Fuck Trains. Most of all, F- their stupid, loud-ass horns. Is there really a need for them to blow that atomic horn 10 times at midnight when they approach an intersection. Are they afraid that someone may be stuck on the tracks, in between the barriers? If someone is just sitting on the tracks and they are not able to take two steps to the side to avoid the giant train, then they should go as well. Trains suck.

4. MALE R.T.- Rock Tit on males is one of the most disgusting things you will ever see. If you have a tendency to get R.T. and you are a guy, do us all a favor and throw on an extra layer. Girls who get R.T., just keep doing what you are doing, unless you are fat, in which case you should lose some weight. (You kow Peter has some nasty RT going on)

5. WARREN SAPP- First off, for those who do not know, Warren Sapp is a Defensive Lineman for the Oakland Raiders. For years now the media will interview this fat, loud-mouthed, overrated football player after they have just lost whatever game they happened to be playing. And in every interview, this fat-ass has a giant wad of Chew stuffed in his lower fat lip. Seriously, are you that addicted that you cannot wait you are done with interviews to shove a bunch of shit in your face. Maybe he is just trying to speed up cancer so he can get off what can barely be considered a football team. The high-school girls volleyball team could beat the Raiders this year.

6. The Phrase "Right from the Horse's Mouth"- What in the flying hell does that mean!? It makes no sense whatsoever. A horse should kick whoever started that stupid phrase in the groin. Seriously, WTF. Has anything good ever come from a horse's mouth to prompt such a dumbass statement?

7. VOICEMAIL PAGE PROMPT- this is the last one. Why is it that when you call someone's cell phone and go to their voicemail that you can still be prompted to "Page" this person. Has anyone ever in the history of cell phones actually thought, "I am pretty fucking stupid, I think I will page this person." The only cell phone company that can still have this option is SPRINT. That is because they are a sad excuse for a cellular provider and they need to milk every second they can.

Well there you have it. If you have taken the time to read this pointless ramble you will become a better person. Also, please add things that you would like to see gone (please don't say Tittle needs to go, I am sensitive).