tittle-o

Daily Show sums it up...again

2008-12-02T21:40:00.002-07:00

The Daily Show is perfect in so many ways. Just check out this clip of their recap of the mother fucker terrorist assholes. I better stop there, don't want to give it away.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mumbai Tragedy

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Tis the Season!!

2008-11-11T10:24:00.002-07:00

I am ready for another winter after watching this. So much powder in this clip... I love the music too. I find snowboarding to be incredibly relaxing and the music fits in nicely.

Lubedence Teaser >>

I have also discovered that blogging is much easier when you simply find videos that you like and re-post them on your own blog. Maybe I will actually write up something in the next couple days...then again, maybe not. PEACE!!

10-0! What a game!

2008-11-07T09:38:00.002-07:00

Utah vs. TCU on Nov. 6, 2008 was one of the best football games I have ever witnessed. Part of that is definitely because the final result was in my favor. TCU is seriously good. TCU went on 10-0 in the first, but Utah cut the lead to 10-6 at the half. Definitely a defensive struggle between two awesome defenses. Both teams made a lot of big plays. But in the end it was the Utah offense making the plays. Below is an edited version of "The Drive" to win the game. Kind of choppy, but still gave me the chills. GO UTES!!!

P.S. - I like the black uni's, but I like seeing the crowd in Red. Seems more overpowering. At least on TV the crowd seemed to almost blend into the sky. But the crowd was awesome and definitely had an impact on the game. TCU had several false starts on offense that the crowd definitely had a part in.

Raiders SUCK!

2008-10-01T21:59:00.002-06:00

Actually I should say that it is Al Davis that sucks. The guy has been top asshole in the NFL for decades. He makes Jerry Jones of the Cowboys seem like a nice guy. How is that old fuck Al Davis still alive. I feel bad for all Raiders fans (kind of). I would have jumped ship on this team years ago. Al Davis consistently takes steps backwards in the progress of the Raiders. They will never be successful with him making decisions. Every year they have one of the top picks of the draft. And none of these players seem to really be successful. Playing for the Raiders is an absolute career killer. Maybe it is because that old fuck of an owner cannot keep a coach for more than 2 seasons. In case you didn't know, Al fired another coach this week, Lane Kiffin, after just over 1 season as the head coach. Kiffin actually seemed to be a good coach and the Raiders seemed to be making a little progress. From all the reports, the players on the Raiders really liked their coach. I think they should all just call it a season. I hope they get their asses handed to them every week. And I hope that old piece of shit has to sit there in his wheel chair and watches it happen. (I am not sure he is in a wheel chair, but he looks more frail than Mr. Burns from the Simpsons)

Letterman vs McCain - The video

2008-09-25T21:41:00.002-06:00

Well that didn't take long to find. Here is a long version of what happened. Worth every second of it. One thing that I like is Dave shows sincere respect for what McCain has done for our country, and he is truly mad that he skipped town, but I don't blame him when McCain is really on a different show at the same network. You know, McCain is old, maybe he was just wondering???

Letterman Owns McCain

2008-09-24T20:37:00.002-06:00

I would like to see this actual clip. But this is a quote from Letterman concerning John McCain canceling an appearance on his show. If anyone has the actual clip, please email it to me.

David Letterman tells audience that McCain called him today to tell him he had to rush back to DC to deal with the economy.

Then in the middle of the taping Dave got word that McCain was, in fact just down the street being interviewed by Katie Couric. Dave even cut over to the live video of the interview, and said, "Hey Senator, can I give you a ride home?"

Earlier in the show, Dave kept saying, "You don't suspend your campaign. This doesn't smell right. This isn't the way a tested hero behaves." And he joked: "I think someone's putting something in his Metamucil."

"He can't run the campaign because the economy is cratering? Fine, put in your second-string quarterback, Sarah Palin. Where is she?"

"What are you going to do if you're elected and things get tough? Suspend being president? We've got a guy like that now!"

The Hilo Hellian

2008-09-15T19:05:00.002-06:00

Aaron is like a brother to me. I was not able to make it to the actual fight, and to be honest I don't know how I will be able to handle seeing him get hit. But this is his first fight. He does awesome and walks out without a scratch. He has been training for years and I think that is quite apparent. Aaron has been a significant influence in my life. He is respectful to every person. He is so talented in so many ways, but you would never know it by talking to him as he may be the most humble person I know. At least that is not an Okura. I have met almost his entire family and they are just as amazing as he is.

My RATM post

2008-09-13T12:48:00.004-06:00

I love Rage Against the Machine, always have. This year they protested at both the Democratic National Convention as well as the Republican. They did it at the last presidential elections as well. These are free concerts that the band puts on. RATM lead singer, Zach de la Rocha actually led a march in Denver this year protesting the war in Iraq. The band split up for a few years while Zach was in Mexico working with politicians there trying to improve their country. He is very active in human rights, he doesn't just sing songs about it. Well the band reunited for the elections this year. I have been missing them over the last 8 years (there last show before the long break was the 2000 DNC), there has been a lot going on that they can sing about.

They have a rough sounding name and their songs are rough, but really they are for the equal treatment of all people. This year at the RNC the power was cut to their stage. So instead of fighting or disappearing they just went acapella.

Here are some of my other favorites from them.

Fake News??

2008-08-26T21:59:00.002-06:00

I love it when the fake news is actually right. I found this clip to be rather humorous. Nicely done The Onion, nicely done.

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Toy?? Ride??? I ain't going on it!

2008-08-05T20:40:00.003-06:00

I am not sure what the hell this is. It was at a little carnival I was walking by the other day...I don't think I want my kid climbing on there.

New to the Top 5

2008-06-20T11:08:00.003-06:00

We all have our top 5 people that we would love to "do" list. Well I just added someone new to my top 5. Lara Logan. First I must say that I had noticed probably a year, if not longer ago. She seems to be a damn good reporter and is seriously brave in the war reporting that she does. But it did not occur to me that she was top 5 type of material, and I have no idea why not. But that all changed one day when my good friend Goomba added a reporter to her top 5. Then I realized that she is a perfect for my top 5, if not the top 1 (It will be tough to knock Natalie Portman off the top spot). I thought about writing this a little while ago, but I could not find any footage of her that was not incredibly depressing (because of all the death and war). Finally, just like Goomba's, the Daily Show came to the rescue. Is there anything the Daily Show can't do?

I'm a terrorist

2008-06-09T22:00:00.003-06:00

This clip is so retarded. How is Faux News still aloud to have "news" in their title. They really are analyzing a fist bump. They even say a "Terrorist fist jab".... guess me and a bunch of 6 year olds on a baseball team are terrorist. Kids are so crazy with their communication styles. There are so many retarded things about this clip. I asked G-Dub to suck off a goat to show his appreciation of the effort of our troops and he did it! What a trooper!

Greatest Coach Ever

2008-06-07T22:39:00.003-06:00

Coach Jules is the greatest coach in history. And I am not just talking about in hockey, I am talking about all sports. Suck it Lombardi

Voltron Got Served!

2008-05-22T21:39:00.001-06:00

You all know how I love the "You got Served" genre of movies. Something you may not know is that I also love Voltron. I think I found heaven.

Yummy Farts???

2008-05-15T22:31:00.004-06:00

This is a conversation I had with a buddy at work via instant messenger. There was no prior conversation. The first message that popped up on my screen is the first one you see below. It was to perfect of a conversation not to share with everyone in the world.

Gibson, Sean says:

I just farted and it smelled like an egg mcmuffin...

Tittle, Christopher L says:

excellent

Gibson, Sean C Civ USAF AFMC 416 SCMS/GUMAA says:

it kinda made me hungry

Tittle, Christopher L says:

that is disgusting. I think you have just set a precedence on that. Farts generally don't make people hungry

Gibson, Sean C says:

haha... well if you farted egg mcmuffins you might get hungry too

Tittle, Christopher L says:

you have a good point. come let your next one rip over here and see if the girls start craving an egg mcmuffin

Gibson, Sean C Civ says:

haha... i some how doubt that will fly with them. Maybe with Hutzilla (that is what we call my lead who also has a gas problem)

Tittle, Christopher L says:

probably. chances are it smelled like ass and you are just craving an egg mcmuffin, but that is just a guess

Gibson, Sean C says:

negative... i wasnt really hungry till i farted.

Tittle, Christopher L says:

wow. amazing

Tittle, Christopher L says:

that is a gift my friend

Gibson, Sean C says:

i should try to get mcdonalds to hire me and go around farting in crowded areas

Tittle, Christopher L says:

you do it anyway, might as well get paid for it

Gibson, Sean C says:

good point

Hope you enjoyed that! I am sure the people around Sean did not did not enjoy his fart as much as he did. Good times!

Must Go- Idaho Edition (mostly)

2008-05-14T22:15:00.003-06:00

Idaho- Expect for Boise, Idaho fucking sucks. I was up there for a three weeks for a work trip to Mtn. Home Air Force Base. Every where I have stopped in Idaho is either windy as hell, or smells like cow shit, usually both. Boise is pretty cool though. They have bikini mechanical bull riding at one bar and all you can drink for $9 dollars at another. They also recycle like it is the law. Props to Boise for making the most of their situation.

MPH Check- Have you seen these signs on the side of the road that inform you that if you are so fucking bored driving through Suicidaho that testing the accuracy on your speedometer will help pass 45 excruciating seconds. These are ridiculous. There is no good that can come out of this stupid test. “HAAZAAH! My speedometer is perfect, finally I can get some sleep.” Or “Fuck me, I am driving through Idaho and now my speedometer is off, just kill me now.” I guess one positive is that if you are driving in Idaho and you have a stop watch handy it is a strong sign that your life has taken a turn for the worst and it is time to start re-evaluating your goals.

Hunting- I have noticed that people up here in Idaho like to kill things. Maybe that is the only way to keep form killing others or possibly them self. But there are these tiny little squirrel looking things that people apparently love to shoot. They are like wild hamsters. I don't see the point in killing all these animals. But that is just how I have always been when it comes to killing things (except drifters). One kid up here was disappointed because he didn't get his permit to kill a moose. Why in the hell would you want to kill a moose. Doesn't make much sense to me. It is not like there is a Moose infestation, I just cannot imagine killing one for sport.

Dogs- I don't care if you live in the middle of nowhere or Idaho, if you have dogs keep them off the damn road, and by road I mean highway. Nothing like cruising at 65 and slamming on your brakes because there is a dog in the road. I would not have a problem with this if it had happened once, but it has happened like 4 times. Put your stupid dogs away, especially at night. It is hard to see them and I don't want the guilt of hitting a dog with my car. By the way, I do like dogs, I just don't like hitting them with my car!

Me- From Idaho. I am home now, see I comply with the must go list.

Shopping Carts- This one is over due and is universal. People, for the love of holy deities start putting your shopping carts in the designated cart return spot. Stores dedicate a prime parking spot as a cart return for a reason. Stop being so damn lazy and just leaving the cart in the little gap in between your car and the other cars surrounding yours. Last time I checked nobody enjoys scratches and dents on their car. So quit being so lazy and walk it over to the cart return so it will not go rolling into someones parked car. Please?

Locking Doors- Locking doors actually needs to stay and actually increase. While in Idaho I was at a small eating establishment (it was a bar) and I needed to go to the little boys room. This is a one person at a time restroom. I go and open the door, sure enough there is some redneck in there taking a piss. Hey asshole, I am not in the mood for a public pissing contest, lock the fucking door. The same situation happened to me at a nice sushi restaurant in Salt Lake. Classy place. I go to use the restroom and sure enough, there is some jackass (you know who you are!) in there with his junk in his hand. We are trying to have a society here, so if a bathroom is made for one person and you are in public, LOCK THE DOOR!

Flight Line

2008-05-04T17:53:00.009-06:00

Last week I got to go out to the flight line and help get the jets ready for take off. And by help, I actually mean hang out with the crew chief while he points to things while I freeze my ass off and try to avoid getting knocked over by the 45 mph wind. It was pretty fun, but I had to wake up at 5 am to get out there and it really was cold. All said and done, it was an incredible experience that not many people get, at least not without being in the military.

This is the crew chief I spent half the day with. He is out of the AF in two weeks and also hates Mtn Home.

The guy of tho far right was under a jet and a gust of wind knocked him off balance. He ended up cutting his head open on the jet and had to go get stitches. Fucking wind was out of control.

Here is a video of "my" jet getting ready to go to the runway just before take off

Here is the take off.

Peace???

2008-04-30T21:00:00.005-06:00

I have been at a tiny Air Force Base for about 10 (long) days. I have got to see and do some really cool stuff that usually only Military people get to do. No, I was not able to drop any bunker busters (yet, I still have 10 more days. I actually have a lot of internal struggles with all this military and war and death stuff, but I do understand the the importance of our Military and our Air Force. Anyway, that is not what this is about. I was in one of the hangers that had a bunch of munitions (training munitions). Below is the picture that I found quite ironic, maybe it is just a coincidence...who knows.

I have also seen a bumper sticker that reads "Peace the Old Fashioned Way" and the peace sign is actually a Bomb Dropping jet...pretty fucked up. Get more "Peace" stuff here

"WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH"

Burnt out

2008-04-29T21:53:00.003-06:00

I love (and hate) politics. I have been following politics rather closely over the last 8 years. In fact, if I could go back to school I would probably major in political science. For some reason though I am completely burned out. I think it has just been the overwhelming amount of coverage on this upcoming election, and understandably so. This is one of the most unique and fascinating and important elections in the history of our country. I am not sure what happened, but I am just spent. Maybe it is the news networks who focus on so much B.S., they are relentless, one show after another covering the same topics. (I don't include Fox news though. They stay on the same topics, but it is definitely not news) I think it is that combined with our current "President," his administration, and thier complete lack of interest in the rest of the world.

So I am taking a little bit of a break. I am not watching every political video I see online; I am not watching Countdown every night. I am not following the Democratic race quite as closely for the time being. This is my goal, I am taking a break from politics until the general election. Hopefully by then I can be re-enthused about our politics and I will be able to follow the election that is so important in all of our lives. It truly is a unique and wonderful election (except for the Republicans, they seem to be sticking with the same Old White Guy as their representation) and I am just really looking forward to January 20, 2009.

Capt. Pure Awesomeness

2008-04-28T20:46:00.011-06:00

Captain Pure Awesomeness is my call sign, at least that is what they told me it would be if I happened to be a pilot. I should clarify one thing, by "they" I mean "me." Anyway, my time at Mtn. Home AFB is dragging along. Fortunately, my training has been interesting and I have got to do and see some pretty neat stuff. This does not include the town of Mtn. Home, rabbit shit is more interesting than the actual town. Anyway, here are some pictures of me exploring some F15's and acting like a bad ass (or douche bag).

F-15

Puff Puff Pass...lousy wingman

My hand is stuck, leave me the fuck alone

(just in case the feds come a knockin')

Stuck

2008-04-24T15:36:00.002-06:00

So I am in Mt. Home Idaho for about two more weeks for work. This town is tiny and there is hardly anything to do. So I guess this is a good time to get caught up on some blogs I have been meaning to write. In the meantime, here is an awesome clip of one of my favorite comedians. He is seriously funny....enjoy.

911 HELP!

2008-04-23T17:52:00.007-06:00

911: Rescue 911; what's the emergency.
Me: I just saw a car accident, it wasn't too bad, but one of the people involved is a fairly pregnant woman so it might be worth checking her out.
911: Where is the accident?
Me: 12th street in Ogden by the I.R.S.
911: Officers are on there way. Where are you?
Me: At the gas station just off to the side.
911: Stay there until an officer tells you to go.
Me: Will do, thanks.

Officers show up and begin working the scene; making sure everyone is ok. They take each party involved in the accident to hear their version of the incident. It is obvious at this point that no one is seriously injured. An officer signals me to his car. I get there and he tells me to fill out an incident report. As I got closer to the scene I got a better look at the pregnant woman. And either she was in really bad shape, or she was really a man with a mullet and a beer gut. It was the later of the two. I mentioned to the police officer that I had called 911 and told them that a pregnant woman had been involved on the accident. He just laughed and told me that he had heard that. He also told me that I was an idiot and that the report I was filling out held no credibility (he didn't actually say this, but I am sure he thought it...I did).

Logan Christopher Tittle

2008-02-14T19:38:00.003-07:00

I decided to start a new blog. It will be all about my son, Logan. If you know me at all or have read this blog (if you have read this blog you must know me) then you already know how important Logan is in my life.

I decided to write a separate blog about our experiences together. One reason is that this blog is so immature and really kind of ridiculous. But the main reason is that I learned that I really enjoy documenting experiences in Logan's life. I like looking back and reviewing them. I am also doing this because I know that there are others out there who care about Logan and like to know how he is doing. So with all that being said you can find the new blog by clicking here

Basically it is an e-journal for all to enjoy.

Sex & Baseball; Baseball & Sex

2008-02-13T22:13:00.003-07:00

If you know me at all you know that I frequently use baseball analogies to describe all things dating and sex related. This is not unique by any means. I might say that I hit a homerun with a female; unfortunately I failed to go around the bases. I just hit the ball, pointed at it leaving the park (I really am kind of a pointer, sorry to all offended strippers), and then went and just sat on the bench as opposed to rounding the bases. I will often refer to girls as throwing me curve balls, or walking me to first base, or just lobbing me an easy one right down the middle where all I need to do is swing. Then there is the Grand Slam... never mind; you get the idea.

Anyway, something strange happened the other day while listening to sports talk radio. A local sports personality, David Locke, was talking about steroids and other performance enhancing drugs in baseball making the sport fake. And you know what he used as his analogy?!? SEX! He compared baseball to sex. He said baseball has become that platinum blonde with big fake boobs, fake nails, and a mini skirt, etc. You get the picture (if not see below). We have all seen this girl (I usually point at her). When she first enters the scene she in nice to gander at, but when you spend some time with her you come to realize that there is nothing really there, she’s not that interesting. It is nice to look at for a few minutes, but spend anytime with it and you will grow tired of how counterfeit she is and move on to something else. There is no substance there. This is what baseball has now become; a big blonde hussie!

Must GO 4

2008-02-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

I know I said I was retiring these list, but I lied. This one has a few more that are serious and they really got this list going. I tried to add some more humorous stuff though in the end. Enjoy and feel free to add stuff in the comments.

Not buckling up kids: How are people still not buckling up kinds in their cars. I am amazed every time I see this. This particular time I saw a large traveling type van. Inside it there were probably 4 or 5 kids just walking around; like they were in their damn living room. Maybe that is their living room, who knows. But one thing is for certain, if that vehicle is moving the kids should be buckled up. There is no excuse for it and is incredibly irresponsible. If you ever see a car driving with unbuckled children you can call1-800-887-5437. It is just a message, but you leave the date, time, location, and description of the car. I, unfortunately, have called this number several times and will continue to do so. The message states that they will attempt to contact the driver, but who knows what actually happens. Once I gave a woman a big ole “Thumbs Down” when she looked at me noticing her unbuckled infant in the front seat of her car. I bet she is still feeling that one.

Lou Holtz AKA Grandpa Simpson: He is the worst announcer of any kind in the history of people talking on TV. ESPN probably has to place a tarp under for every game to keep all of his slobber in check. I used to love watching College Gameday. It was a good college football show, at least until last year when they brought in Grandpa Simpson. He actually was calling the Utah Utes bowl game this year. It looked like it was raining at the stadium, it turns out it was just slobber from Lou Holtz try to talk and say his “S’s”.
Here is a small Lou Holtz sample. Actually it is an impression, but I hate to say that it is not much of an exaggeration.

FDA/EPA: And all other government entities that are consistently failing to serve the people and continue to help make corporations money. I am tired of the FDA. They are useless. I heard, but I have not been able to verify this, that the FDA has no definition for the term “All Natural.” Who knows what the all natural Beef N’ Chedder from Arby’s is. Here is a link to an interview with a former employee of the FDA. He was the whistle blower who helped expose Vioxx, the prescription medicine that the FDA approved and cost thousands of people their lives. (Not super exciting, but interesting and frustrating).

I also bring up the EPA specifically because of this recent article. The individual states are attempting to create higher emission standards, but they are blocked by the EPA? We are the worst (maybe 2^nd worst) polluting country in the world! What the fuck does the EPA do all day? Get money from GM and a complimentary Hummer (both kinds)!

Soda Filler Uppers- Where is the etiquette at the fountain machine. People are so inconsiderate while filling up their beverages. If you are eating at random shitty fast food place then why does one person end up filling up drinks for everyone? Plus you don’t have to fill it to the very brim of the cup. Fill up your drink and step to the side to put your lid on. There are people waiting for your fat ass to get out of the way. Please stop tapping the Coke button to squeeze every last ounce that you can into that 32 ounce cup. Look, I realize you like your fat ass and want to keep it that way, but I don’t think it will hurt to leave an ounce out of your cup, plus I am sure your fat ass will be back to for refills. I was just recently behind a guy filling up his drink and he stopped and started taking sips. What the hell, there are people waiting you cock. Fortunately, I punched him in the back of the head. Unfortunately it was so hard that his head became stuck in the machine causing ice to spill everywhere and preventing others from filling up their drinks. (Did not actually happen)
Also, eating establishments that do not offer refills need to get it together. I rarely pay for my meals with cash. If I happen to need a refill I either need to go ask other patrons for change or charge $.50 on my debit card. Get with the program and just give people their refills (I am talking to you Pace’s Dive-In).

Chip Demolition: If I can hear you approaching from twenty yards away because of your inability to eat a chip with some sort of control you may have a problem. If I am in another room watching a movie and I can hear you demolishing a damn bag of chips you have a problem. Please just stop and chew with your mouth closed, I am too nice to say anything, but one day I just might snap.
Myspace Server: Come on myspace, get it together. Why can you not get a better server? They are constantly having problems. Also, do something about all the spam and people getting hacked. No one in their right mind sends out multiple bulletins advertising blow jobs or getting laid tonight. Can you not figure out a way to tackle this problem? It happens to people on a daily basis.
Corner Advertisers: Have you noticed this new marketing trend that some jack ass’s must think actually works. They are placing some naïve teenager on the corner with a big ass sign and paying them to dance and wave. Two problems with this; first, have all the monkeys found better jobs? Second, these companies are occupying perfectly good corners while taking good corners from good and hard working ladies. They have owned the corners for year. Who the hell does D.A. (Dumb Ass) Wireless Company think they are taking these corners? In fact, why not just pay the hookers a little money to hold up the sign for them. It would probably be more effective. Just imagine, you could get a “date” and a new phone with one convenient stop. It is about as effective as the advertising style in the video below.
Radio Commercials: One more on advertising. Have you heard the commercials on the radio that advertise how their radio station has the east commercials? What the hell?!?

Stupid Dance Movies: Are there really that many people into competitive street dancing that movie companies make sequel after sequel? Why are they always dancing in the rain? And not just a little drizzle my nizzle. They are dancing in the pouring rain, water splashing all over the dancers. I guess they are tougher than I thought, they dance rain or shine! I bet they would dance during the second coming of Jesus, and I bet Jesus would be impressed with their dancing skills and try to join in, but his approach would be different, but someone (probably a blonde rebellious girl) would recognize his raw and unique method. He would take Jesus aside and tell him “No matter what you do, you just dance, dance out what is inside of you!”
Here is a trailer for the latest dance off movie. It is called "Step up 2: The Streets Mother Fuckers!" Watch it without laughing, I dare you!

Kindergarten Lunch

2008-01-16T09:25:00.001-07:00

I went and had lunch with my son at his school with his kindergarten class today (January 15, 2007). This was probably the first time that I have eaten school lunch since I was freshman in high school. Logan had no idea that I was going to be there. His class was getting all lined up and ready for lunch when he saw me standing by the door. He ran up and gave me a big hug and started telling his classmates that his dad was here for lunch. He was so excited. He got in his place in line and was good and quiet while walking to the lunchroom. Turns out he is typically the last kid to get lunch. They go in alphabetical order and I guess there is not a single Williams or Young in his class, oh well. Sometimes he is not the last; the kids who misbehave get sent to the end of the line, as was the case this day. (I wonder what would happen if Logan was the one who got in trouble, he is already at the end of the line. Hopefully he doesn’t start to think that way). So while in line there was one little girl who made sure that I was aware of the two girls that had crush’s on Logan as she told me about it and pointed the girls out several times.

Well, it turned out to be Logan’s lucky day. Not only did his awesome dad (me) surprise him for lunch, but because his birthday is in the summer the school decided to celebrate it at the halfway point of the year, which happened to be the same day I was there. So he got to sit at the birthday table with a few other kids. It was all decorated with balloons and he got a cupcake and a new pencil.

Logan “Terje” Tittle

2008-01-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

I took Logan snowboarding today (January 10, 2008). He has literally asked me to take him everyday since the first snow of the year. Today was the perfect day to go. For all the international readers or people from the future who are reading this you may not know, but yesterday about 20 inches of the greatest snow graced Northern Utah (also caused lots of car accidents). It was perfect for snowboarding. Logan has only been on a snowboard once and it was last year on a relatively small hill. He mostly just sat on the board and rode it like a sled, which was still fun. I decided to take him to the same hill this time. It is perfect for him to start working on the basics.

He started out well and kept his balance pretty good, but struggled to keep his board pointed down hill. If you have ever tried snowboarding then you know that this will cause your board to turn sideways resulting in you catching your edge and face planting in the snow. Fortunately for Logan there was plenty of powder to cushion the falls.

After riding for a while I asked Logan if he wanted to sit on the board and ride down like that instead. He said “No, not until I figure this out.” How awesome is that? Well he didn’t have a whole lot of area to really work on his balance, but once he was able to go most the way down he decided it was time to start working on some new tricks. He started doing what he called a “Heelie” which is basically the same as a wheelie, but on a snowboard. Later I asked “do you mean a wheelie?” He said “No, a heelie because you go back on the heel (referring to the tail of the snowboard).” He did pretty damn good for his first time. One time he was able to successfully get the front of his board about a foot or so off the ground; returned it too the ground and rode the rest of the way down the hill. From the bottom of the hill he yelled “DAD, Did you see that wicked Heelie?” Of course I saw it.

Next he wanted to move to a new spot. He had been riding where others kids had made a small sledding path. Powder is much more difficult to ride in, but he wanted to go for it. So we picked his spot, but before sending him down we had this conversation:

Me: Logan, do you know what this kind of snow is called (pointed at the untouched powder)?
Logan: No.
Me: This is called powder. That stuff over there that you were just riding on is packed. This has not been touched by anyone, it is fresh powder. This is what snowboarding is all about; this is the best snow in the world. This is your first fresh powder run of your life. Are you ready?
Logan: Yes.
Me: Ok.

Then I showed him how to put his weight on the back of his board so that the nose didn’t sink into the powder causing him to become stuck or to crash. Then I sent him on his way and he made it all the way to the bottom of the hill. I seriously almost cried. He was so pumped. He ended up making about 5 runs in the fresh snow. One time when he was close to the bottom he hit a little jump that some hooligans had built previously. Now, he was definitely not going fast enough to jump off it, but the sudden bump caught him off guard. This would cause a lot of people to crash, but he survived and has officially made it past his first jump without crashing.

As you can tell I am pretty proud of this little outing. He had so much energy and didn’t get discouraged at all. Unfortunately I didn’t have my camera with me, next time. I decided to add “Terje” to the title because of this professional snowboarder. His name is Terje Haakosen. Here is an absolutely ridiculous video of him tearing down the steepest mountain I have ever seen anyone ride. It looks like is completely vertical. I would not survive what he makes look fairly simple. Definitely worth checking out.

Locked Out

2008-01-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

So my neighbor came over recently asking if I had a wire hanger. Without needing to ask I knew that she had locked her keys in her car. Is there any other purpose for a wire hanger in this modern society that we are living in? I can’t think of one, God knows I am not using one to hang my clothes on. (Later that day I actually picked up a coupe items from the dry cleaners for the first time ever, and what do you know, the clothes were on wire hangers). This just leads me to question, since the 1970’s has any body successfully got into a car with a coat hanger? It seems to me all that happens is that you fuck your car up. But yet, we all still have the slim hope of cramming this piece of wire in through the window and somehow fondling it around hoping that it will somehow strike the unlock button with enough force that the doors will unlock and you, master of the wire hanger, will be the hero of the day. I have locked my keys in my car and actually tried this, but failed to do anything but knock my window off alignment and scratch my windows. I would actually be upset if I had a nice new car and was able to unlock it with a coat hanger. If you lock you keys in your car just bite the bullet and call a lock smith. It may cost you $50.00, but think of it as a dumb ass tax. There are certain dumb ass things we all do in life, this is one of them.

So I wanted to find a picture of someone trying to get into their car with a hanger. So I Googled “Wire Hanger” and went to images. Every image was of keys locked inside a car. There wasn’t even a wire hanger in most of them. I just found that validating…thank you Google.

30th Birthday

2008-01-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well my 30^th birthday has finally come and gone. It is about damn time too. For some reason I started considering myself 30 the day I turned 29. Nothing too fantastic happened in the final year of my 20’s. My son started kindergarten which has been fun, but other than that, nothing really spectacular occurred. Right after I turned 29 I created a list I called “The Dirty 30” outlining 30 things I would have liked to have accomplished before I turn 30. I barely touched the list. I did not do a very good job, but that is just the way it goes sometimes. Overall though I would say it was a good year. There were some amazing times, there were some days that weren’t so great, but that is not unique by any sense.

Well below are a few pictures from my birthday party. Once again I am amazed by my closest friends. They all came out on a Thursday to celebrate with me. I truly am lucky to be surrounded by such a great group of people. The party was at “The Hotel” and Soul Redemption was playing. I have not mentioned them much before, but several close friends play in the band. At one point in the night someone thought it would be a great time for me to take my turn singing with the band. So during their reggae cover of “What’s Going On” (4 Non Blonde’s) I got up on stage and was handed a mike. Now, I could have said nothing and just got off the stage, but fuck that. It was my 30^th birthday and it was time for me to bust out some freestyle. So I got the mike and here are a few of the lines I spit out (at least that I was told, I don’t really remember):

“I came to get my F* on, but first I need to get my drink on.”

(Andy hands me a beer) “Props to Andy for always taking care of me.”

“I may be turning thirty, but that don’t mean I won’t get dirty”

“I got older tonight, but I still ain’t gonna act right”

“I am up here doing some thinkin’, but it is tough ‘cause inside my brain is blinkin’”

That is pretty much the gist of it. I am not entirely certain how long I was up there, but it sure was fun. I got good feedback, from both the drunk and the sober patrons, so I suppose I did a decent job. It is too bad no one had a camera, other than me, to record it because it will probably never happen again.

Tiger's Blood

2007-12-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

Admit it, when you hear of Tiger’s Blood you immediately know that it is a snow cone flavor and not literally Tiger’s Blood. Everyone knows this. It is one of the greatest treat names in the history of treats. Have you ever been to a place that serves flavored shaved ice treats, either with or as a kid, and not ordered Tiger’s Blood over blueberry, fruit punch or the hundreds of other boring sounding snow cones? This leads me to ask this one question, why stop with the clever snow cone names at Tiger’s Blood? I don’t have the greatest memory, but as a kid I remember ordering Tiger’s Blood snow cones. Everyone who has ever had a snow cone has ordered it at least once. So why did the snow cone marketing geniuses quit with the one awesome flavor name? Did they just peak with the first suggestion? I think the flavor naming meeting must have went something like this:

Characters:
Snow Shack Boss: The Juice
Employee A: Bench
Employee B: Gooch

The Juice: Good work Bench. Tiger’s Blood is a great name for a treat. Every kid in the world will order it at least once. Next on the list is Black Cherry. Any suggestions…..nothing….no one…no one has a single idea.

Bench: Why don’t we just call it Black Cherry?

The Juice: Ok. In fact, we should just call all the other flavors by what they actually are and call it a day. HEY! Gooch! PUFF PUFF PASS, quit bogarting the reefer!
(You know they were a bunch of stoners)

Bench: Should I trademark Tiger’s Blood?

The Juice: (Cough Cough) What the hell is a trademark? Here hit this and we will worry about it later.

Old Woman vs. Escalator

2007-12-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

So I was at the mall with my son on Dec. 21. We were waiting in line for him to see Santa. Our spot in line was right next to the escalator going up to the second level. Well, an elderly woman with a couple large bags (actual shopping bags, perverts) in one hand and a walking cane in the other approached the moving stairs. This looked like a potentially bad situation. With caution she placed her left her hand, the one with cane, on the moving hand rail. She did not have a firm grip of it as he black belt simply glided through her hand. Next she placed her left foot on the slowly moving step. She then tried to move her next foot onto the same step, but failed, miserably. She proceeded to fall on her backside. So here is the scene, little old lady with a cane and a bunch of bags on her back half way on and half way off the escalator. She looked like a turtle on it’s back. Meanwhile, a bunch of people in the Santa line witnessing this as well as several people at the escalator. I heard one lady say “Are you OK???” as she stared at the old woman and her multiple failed attempts at getting up. I soon realized that no one next to her was going to help her up, maybe they were all in shock, and I certainly was for a moment. So, I told my son to stay where he was and walked like ten feet over to help her up. I arrived at the same time as another woman, who I assume is some sort of people-helper because she was wearing scrubs. Together we helped the old woman to her feet. And it is a good thing we were both there because it certainly took both of us to get her off the ground. I am not sure what was in her bags, no not those one, her shopping bags (I know what was in the others, wink wink vomit), but they were heavy. Are granny panties heavy? Once she was to her feet she said “I knew that would happen. I hate these things.” My response was “Well there is an elevator like 20 feet over there” as I pointed it out to her. She ignored this suggestion and again attempted the escalator. The nurse asked if she needed her to ride with her to the top. The old woman declined, but the nurse helped her get on the first, apparently crucial step and she was on her way.

I thought about making this an entry in my must go series. This lady should have never been near the escalator, and she knew it. She even said she hates escalators! She could have easily taken the elevator, which was really close. Overall, I am glad she was ok and that she made it to the top of the escalator without further incident. She could have easily hurt herself badly. I was also glad to see someone else step in and help and who was willing to ensure the safety of another person. I also want it to be clear that I don’t think anyone was wrong for not stepping up and helping immediately. I think it took a lot of people by surprise. Finally, the nurse was fairly attractive, I know you were wondering.

So I wanted to add something funny and what is funnier than a kid getting hit in the nuts? Well the fat kid who sets up the nut hitting falling off his chair right before the hit. Enjoy.

My Wonderful Logan

2007-12-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

So I have had a pretty rough week. I won’t go into all of the details, but I have had a tough couple of days. Well, usually when this happens my son, Logan, seems to always cheer me up. I believe he can sense when I am going through a difficult period. He never does anything to acknowledge it, but always does something special which always makes me loved. This particular time I went and picked him up after not seeing him for about a week. The weather was horrible; the roads were covered in snow and were becoming icy. As we were sitting in traffic an ambulance sped by followed by a fire tuck. Both were presumably on their way to the same emergency. We had the following conversation:

Logan: Why is there a fire truck? There probably isn’t a fire.

Me: Fire men help people when they are hurt in as well as putting out fires.

Logan: Do they help people that are dying?

Me: Yes. They help anyone that needs it.

Logan: If I was dying would they help me?

Me: Yes. They would definitely help.

Logan: I don’t want to die.

Me: I don’t want that to happen either.

Logan: Dad, if you were dead I would jump on you.

Me: Jump on me? (I am picturing him hopping on me like a human trampoline)

Logan: Yea, I don’t want you to go without me.

Me: (What can I say to that) Oh, that is so sweet!

Logan is amazing. I literally did not know what to say. This was one of those moments with my son that can make everything seem fine, as long as he is there. I may or may not have shed a tear or two.

Maynard in PJ's

2007-12-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

So I was goofing around on Youtube and I found this old footage of TOOL and Maynard James Keenan at a concert back in 1993. He sure has changed, kind of ,in the last 14 years. Can you believe it has been 14 years since Sober came out?!? They continue to make awesome music and put on the greatest shows.

Mr. Brightside

2007-12-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to add this video. It really kind of fits my mood today. But really, it is a really good song and one of my favorite videos. The line "It started out as a kiss how did it end up like this, it was only a kiss?" is so simple and perfect. Anyway, I basically added it for my own benefit because I like it.

The Killers - Mr. Brightside
Uploaded by The-Killers

Must Go #3

2007-12-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

1. Receipts- The other day I went to Albertsons Grocery store and bought one item. The receipt I received was nearly a God Damn Foot Long! I repeat, 1 single item purchased. And it is not like the printing on the receipt was in large print for the elderly. It was a bunch of tiny stuff. I think there was something on there about saving 40 cents. There may have been an invite to participate on a survey. HEY Albertson you want people to do your stupid survey, try sending them out on Myspace as a bulletin (make sure to add a questions about favorite color, who you have kissed in the last week, and favorite color). Ease up on the receipt length, it’s a waste.

2. Lip Biting- What? Lip biting you say. Yes lip biting MoFo’s. I am not talking about the sultry, super sexy lip biting that girls do, which can stay (and should actually increase). I am talking about me and those rare times when I bite my lip while politely eating a sandwich or fries or whatever. Seriously, how can I still be biting my lip when I eat? My lips may be large, but I have had them for almost 30 years. I should be use to them by now. Time to quit the accidental lip bites, they hurt like hell. One final note, ladies feel free to bite my lip for me. That can increase as well, but don't do it too hard, my lips are big enough as it is.

3. “Sammich”- It’s a sandwich asshole. Unless you have yet to attend school or an old women/man who forgot to put in her dentures stop calling it a sammich (I bet Lou Holtz say’s sammich). Just call it a sandwich; we are trying to have a society here. I should add that the homeless should feel free to say sammich though (even if they happen to have teeth). If calling it a sammich will help them get a sandwich, I say go for it.

4. “The Funnies”- Did you know that people call the Sunday comics that come in the newspaper “Funnies.” That really has to stop. I don’t think “Funnies” is even a real word; is it trying to be a noun or a verb? Make up your mind. And even if it was legit word, it should be used to describe things that are actually funny, which Sunday comics are not. Why are these shitty attempts at humor still being printed? Beetle Bailey is an asshole. UPDATE: I decided to do a little research and looked up the word “Funnies” on dictionary.com and guess what. It was in there; it’s a noun. Defined as comic strips. They still suck.

5. “Les Schwab First Down”- Ever been to a Utes game? They are great, especially when they are having a good offensive game with lots of first downs. Something seems to have changed this year though. In the past every time Utah would gain a first down the announcer would say “Another UTAH First Down!” Turns out, that is a fairly accurate description of what just occurred. This year is different though. When Utah earns a first down the announcer now says “Another Les Schwab First Down!” That is a bunch of shit. I did not see some A-hole in an oil-stained jump suit and a tire pushing guys around helping the Utes gain enough yardage to keep a drive alive. Screw you Les Schwab. I will never buy a tire from you. And screw the Utah athletic department for allowing it to happen. I wonder how much they sold phrase for. UPDATE: This went. By the end of the year “UTAH” was added to the phrase.

6. College Loan Commercials- I just saw a commercial encouraging young adults going to college to get a loan from them. The company is called “Astrive” and they are douches. They have a kids on the commercial talking about how easy it is to get a loan in just 15 minutes online. Or there is the one bragging about his 40 thousand dollar loan that he won’t have to payback until he is done with school! Another student describes how her full-ride scholarship just isn’t enough. Look, I don’t have a problem with people getting student loans, but the dicks at Astrive and similar companies just seem to be exploiting 18 year olds by encouraging amassing huge debt with them that will take 15 years to pay off. Just seems wrong to me.

7. “40MPG”- I was driving the other day and saw some hybrid vehicle of some kind. That’s great, I appreciate hybrid vehicles and I wish there were more on the roads. This particular one bothered me though. It had a personalized license plate that said “40MPG.” What to go, dick, you are getting good gas mileage. I bet this is the same asshat that bought a Hummer 5 years ago. I don’t have a problem with Hybrids, that would be ridiculous; I do have a problem with people using it as some sort of status symbol or bragging, just like every Hummer owner out there.

8. Transformers- First off, the movie sucked. Quit sticking up for it. Sure the robots were cool, but the show was stupid and made no sense. I love how during the final battle in some big city, which was 30 minutes away from Hoover Dam, there are still people casually driving all while giant robots are battling one another. But that is not my main issue. I have been noticing an increasing number of people putting transformer related stickers on their cars. I saw a brand new white, Dodge Charger, with a “To Punish And Enslave” sticker on the back corner of the car. Really, you never plan on getting laid do you?

9. Must Go- These must go lists are going. I am done. It get’s tiring paying attention to all of the annoying things that flood our society. Maybe I will do a “Must Stay” list where I notice small things that make every day better. But who knows, Michael Jordan said he was done and retired early. So did Jay Z. Maybe I will make a comeback too, the best usually.

Back to Bloggin/Mitch Hedberg.

2007-12-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

It has been a while, a long while, since I wrote any blogs. I do have a good reason though, I can't write blogs at work. I work for the government and their firewall has blocked all access to blog sites. That is when I would do my best writing. Anyway, I let this sit for too long, and I think it is time I get going again.

So to liven up this particular entry I wanted to add some jokes from one of the greatest comedians ever, Mitch Hedberg. I had similar experience to one of the jokes he makes at the 6 minute mark about fire hazards. I was assisting at a fashion show and was in the back stage area. There were camera's and lighting equipment set up so we could take pictures of the models. The area we were shooting was technically a public are and in front of an exit, but not frequently used (at the Gateway). Well, a short little bald man entered the little scene, so I decided I would help him get past all the equipment/wardrobe/models. When I got to the door he started lecturing me that I had created a fire hazard and it was a $500.00. I told him that if there was a fire we would all leave; we all have legs and therefore cannot be a fire hazard. He was not impressed with the joke and said he was going to call the organizer of the event. Turns out the little bald man is one of the owners of The Gateway.... Ooops

Bovine University

2007-06-23T10:49:00.000-06:00

I went grocery shopping with my son, Logan. We were in the meat section looking at steaks, chicken, etc. While I was inspecting a package of steak Logan was inspecting a giant slab of meat, probably a roast. He asked me what all of the “red stuff” in the package was. I told him that it was blood. Then came “Why is there blood in there?” I told him it was blood from when they packaged the meat. Logan then asks, “Where does meat come from?” This threw me off. I thought he new that meat came from animals like cows. Well, this seemed like as good a time as any to inform him. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Well Logan, this meat here came from cows.”
Logan: (With a confused look on his face) “Cows? Do they take it from the cows stomach?”
Me: “No. They take it from other parts of their body.”
Logan: “Do they hurt the cows?”
Me: “Well Logan, they have to kill the cows for the meat.”
Logan: “They kill cows so we can eat meat?”
Me: “Yes. People raise cows so that we can eat them, so we can have food.”
Logan: “Well, I am never eating meat again!”

He then proceeding down the meat section pointing at the variety of meat and asking what animal they come from and if they are killed. Then proclaiming that he never eat the food from that particular animal, except chicken, he said he still likes chicken.

This all reminded me of a classic clip from the Simpson’s. Enjoy!

Bob, The Stem Cell

2007-06-21T09:02:00.000-06:00

I just read this in The Huffington Post and thought it was rather amusing. Because I have been particularly lazy with my blogging lately I decided to just copy and paste this.

An Open Letter to President Bush, From Bob, The Stem Cell
by Steve Young

Dear Mr. President,

Once again you felt necessary to veto the Embryonic Stem Cell Bill, in so the guys in the freezer have asked me to speak for them - though, as you know, we have no mouths. Still, I didn't have the guts of turn them down, which is in itself is quite the trick, as I also have no guts.

I know you that Tony Snow said that your veto was not an attempt to muzzle science, but more an attempt to "respect people's conscience on such an issue." Now a lot of people, cells included, will say that you only are respecting a small percentage of peoples' conscience. Similar to the percentage who think the country's heading in the right direction or find you "popular." But I think we've come up with some legislation that truly both meets with your values and satisfies the other side. And I'm sure you can get that ornery Harry Reid on board for this one.

Keeping in mind that you had Snow say that you believe "strongly that for the purpose of research it's inappropriate for the federal government to finance something that many people consider murder; he's one of them."

We all appreciate your concern for our well-being, but if you consider it murder to use us for research, then what is it called when we're tossed away without be used at all? We're talking about hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of living, breathing - okay, we don't actually breathe, but one day, maybe, strapped up to some sort of tiny-life supporting equipment - who knows?

The point is, no matter veto or sign, you lose.

So a bunch of us stem-cells got together - not physically, that comes later - and came up with an idea, which is amazing in itself as we have no brains to form a thought.

You're a big parents handling their own kid's lives guy. So, if we are lives, why don't you let our parents make the decision as to whether they want us to be used for research or throw us away? That way the only research we're funding is with willing participants. And for the other stem cells who have parents who would rather throw them away, they get to do it. And they don't even have to call it "murder" when they toss us in the trash. They could call it something like "Pro-Ending-Life-In-A-Good-Way." Really. It's a win-win.

A lot of the guys in the freezer wanted to make their "lives" mean something. And then there are those who just want to throw their "lives" away. Adopt our idea and you help us all.

Yours In Freezer,
Bob, The Stem Cell

P.S. And Mr. Reid. Get on the stick and help write up the legislation as me and the guys in Freezer 26 have described above. If not, next year we're backing Bloomberg!

Grad School

2007-06-18T09:19:00.000-06:00

Well, for about the past month I have been pretty busy applying to graduate school. I am going to attempt to earn an MBA from Weber State University. I found out about a month ago that I would be receiving funding for this from my work. So I basically started rushing to get my application in.

I just want to take a moment to thank so many of my friends who have helped me out along the way. Without you there is no way in hell that I would have been able to get everything turned in by the deadline.

I am not sure if I will get in. One of the main components of getting into any graduate school or MBA program is the successful taking of a test. The test I had to take was the GMAT (I like to refer to it as "the fucking GMAT"). I studied pretty hard for a couple of weeks, but I have taken a math class in nearly 12 years. I tried to teach myself what I needed to know and received help from some friends as well. Well, when test day arrived, instead of actually taking the math section of the test I just got on my knees and blew it.

Getting into Weber State is definitely not a certainty at this point. If I do not get in I do have other options available to me. One thing is for certain though, if I do get in I owe a lot to the friends around me who helped me with my resume, the essays, and all the other short answer questions that were part of the application. Not only all of that, but just overall support has been helpful, especially after I so successfully blew the fucking GMAT.

Dot Video Goodness

2007-06-06T19:50:00.000-06:00

This is the first video I ever saw of the Pale Blue Dot, as promised.

Here is another that I like.

Pale Blue Dot

2007-06-06T10:12:00.001-06:00

I have wanted to post this Carl Sagan quote for a while. I initially saw a video with the quote below a few months ago. I will add the video later (the computer that I typically post from has lots of security filters and will not allow access to most videos, especially YouTube). Regardless, it is a great quote.

This picture was taken approximately 4 billion miles away from Earth by the Voyager 1 Satellite.

"Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary master of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.
Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.
The earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is no where else, at least [for the foreseeable] future . . . Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.
. . . There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known."
——Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

Maid Service?

2007-05-16T10:30:00.000-06:00

A few years back I moved into my good friend Jake’s new house. There were just we two strapping young bachelors living there; not a lot of cleaning got done. Our main goal seemed to be meeting new girls; we put a lot of energy into that. Well, one a beautiful sunny day I returned home in the afternoon. I just happened to be in the driveway as two lovely young ladies drove by in a jeep. I was feeling particularly polite that day so I gave them a little wave; a little “how you ladies doing.” Jake’s house is on the corner of a cul-de-sac, which the girls turned into (his driveway is off the main road). So, I go inside the house and take a quick peek out the window to see where these lovely young ladies happened to be going and they had stopped right in front of the house and had got out of the car. Well, now I obviously move away from the window assuming that they are on their way up to the house. Nothing happens. They disappeared; no idea where they went. But, their car was still there. What the hell was going on? So, I eventually went out to my car and what did I find? On the windshield of my car was a little note (obviously from the hotties). They were advertising a maid service. SCORE! (Not Actual Blondes)

I present this opportunity to Jake. “We can have hot girls over and they will also clean the house. WIN WIN (for us at least)!” It is agreed that I should call them in two days. So the two days go by and I give them a call and make an appointment. The call was not necessarily smooth, this never happens to me. It was not my fault though; the beautiful blonde that I happened to be talking to had a fairly strong, Latin accent. So, being the small talk professional that I am, I ask where they are from. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So, if you don’t mind me asking, where are you two from?
Hottie Blonde Maid: Guatemala.
Me: Beautiful, blonde and from Guatemala? Must be my lucky day, how about you two come over tomorrow and we can talk about the cleaning.
Hottie Blonde Maid: Ok.

Slam! Homerun! Now all I have to do is casually jog around the bases.

6pm the next day arrives with a knock at the front door. (We also happened to be preparing for a photo shoot that night so Jake was off with the model and the make-up gal prepping. So, there are about to be four hotties in the house at one time with two jack asses. Those are good numbers). I answer the door, and much to my dismay, there are no hottie-blonde-maids to be seen. What the flying hell is going on! There are two, not cute Guatemalans. One of which is about to go into labor. What the Hell! Well, I invite them in and show them the place. As we talk with them I learn that they speak very little English. Jake comes down to meet the maids and stops dead in his tracks, like he had just seen a ghost. He immediately returned to prepping the model, good move on his part. I struggled with the maids for a few more moments, got a quote for cleaning and sent them on their way.

What the hell happened!? Where were the hotties?! Where did they go!? Did the Guatemalans send the hotties to put the notes on the cars? It doesn’t seem very likely. I still have no idea what happened to the hotties.

New Rule!

2007-05-10T10:20:00.000-06:00

I decided to make a new rule. If you are going to leave feedback on someone’s blog that pretty much judges the writer and tells them that they are living a sad life; then you are NOT allowed to do anonymously. I think I will quote a friend, who shall remain anonymous: "If you're going to be big enough to say it, be big enough to say who you are."

Take a look at the specific instance I am referring to from an entry I placed in January 2007 titled Nice Dream: Getting Baptized? Me? . Seems pretty judgmental; I should not be too surprised though. I spent 18 years going to church as a child and young adult, watching people judge each other. Luckily I have been on parole since I was about 18 and I plan on being good so that I never have to go back to that hell.

I cannot believe I am about to do this, but here is a scripture reference.

Matthew 7:1-5

7:1 Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

The last thing I will say is that I am who I am. I am happy with the decisions I have made in my life. I like being the captain of my own ship. If you choose not agree with me, that’s fine, I don’t care, I can respect that. Feel free to comment and say whatever you want. But if you are going to judge me and the life I live; go right ahead. But, if you choose to do it, grow a pair and leave your actual name. Then I won’t judge you for being a pussy.

Must Go #2

2007-05-09T14:26:00.000-06:00

1. West Coast Chopper Stickers/Shirts/Belt Buckles and all things related: This includes the billion varieties. Can just anybody put whatever they want in that stupid symbol? I think the printing companies could save a lot of money and instead of printing a thousand versions they can just all say “Douche Bag.” Isn’t that really what they are all saying anyway? I suppose it can these symbols can be effective in assisting in the identification of Douche Bags. That way you don’t have to spend those five minutes in talking with that person before he tells you about his Jeep and you realize that he is a Douche Bag. You will never get those 5 minutes back. Recently I saw a Douche Bag with one of these images on his shirt. It had a scripture reference. I looked closely to make sure that it was not a real cross, and it wasn’t. It was a douche symbol.

2. One parent, one toddler, McDonalds to go: If you are going to spoil the family with McDonald’s then that is just fantastic. But, try to plan a little better. How do you expect one adult to go into McDonald’s, order 6 super value combo meals to go, fill up all the beverages, and get the order out to the car with the assistance of a clumsy 4 year old. This was not a very thought out plan. Go through the drive though! I need my Coke! And quit yelling at the kid! It is not their fault you are retarded. It will be your fault though that they are retarded.

3. Coupon Books: Maybe I should call them coupon novels. I get like five of these a week. I live in an apartment with a little mailbox. They do not fit and my important mail gets mixed into the pages offering me deals on new windows and carpet cleaning. It is a waste. These companies should pay for the recycling costs in Davis County (if you want curb side recycling in Davis County you have to pay for the service). This came to the boiling point for me when I was looking for my power bill mixed into the pages of this distributed. I came across the most valuable coupon I have ever laid eyes upon. It was, I shit you not, “Buy 2 spools of thread, Get One FREE!” FUCK YOU! Fucking waste. How many people can this coupon possibly benefit? Two? Maybe three? Send the coupon to the relief society president to pass out. Or just have that policy at your store. That coupon is not going to bring in new customers. Assholes.

4. House > Cubicle: It is common for my co-workers to refer to each others cubicle as their “house.” I am sorry, but my house is not a dull, life-less, asbestos coated, dwelling surrounded my obnoxious neighbors that listen in on phone calls and tell me how to run my life. But then again, I do work for the government, so in a way I guess the listening in on calls is kind of like home.

5. Me, Messing up Lyrics: Lately I have noticed that I have been screwing up the songs that I sing to myself while I am driving around. What the hell; I know these songs; I have been listening to them for a long time. Why do I still screw them up?

6. Short handle window squeegee things at gas stations. I love it when I clean off my windshield at the gas station with a squeegee that has a handle the size of a Popsicle stick. It is usually ok, because I like it when I lean in to get the middle and my shirt gets all that really clean water on it. I am obviously not busy because I am just out getting gas. Surely I must be on my way home where I can easily change my shirt. This one is really not a big deal; maybe I will remove it from the list.

7. When Kids get hurt because the parent was not paying attention, and then blame the kid for it: The other day I was at the park with my son and we were playing on the swings. Next to me there is a woman pushing a little girl, maybe 5 years old, on a swing. She gets the little girl going and then proceeds to walk away. The girl almost immediately falls off the swing. The adult swiftly walks back and instead of asking the girl if she is ok, she says “I asked if you were comfortable, and you said you were!” She is on a fucking swing! Of course she is comfortable! She is 5 years old, make sure the kid is safe, and then don’t blame the child because your lazy fat ass wants to go sit on a park bench and he a bag of Doritos’s.

8. An A- for a grade: There should be no A-. There is no A+, why should there be an A-. You cannot make up for it in any way. You can make up for any other grade, except the A-. If you earn 90-93% out 100% in any class it should be an A.

9. Strippers at Self-Checkout: Ok, first there are way worse things to be behind at the self-checkout than a stripper. They are usually OK to look at (though they never look as good as they do in a dark gentleman’s club after a few cocktails) and at least they are not incredibly obese. But could you please use your damn debit card. Those soggy-ass-nasty dollars are not going to work in the little cash machine. Soggy-dollars are only good for one thing; giving to strippers.

10. Myspace Bulletins: First off, Myspace sucks ass. But lately I have been receiving these bulletins telling me that if I love God then I must repost this. Really, is God keeping close watch on Myspace? If God has a Myspace, why hasn’t he added as a friend? That is kind of rude.

Coultergeist

2007-04-18T08:01:00.000-06:00

So there are a lot of hyperlinks in this rant. Now, to watch the videos click on the hyperlink and then on the download link next to the WMP icon.

I hate wasting my energy thinking about Ann Coulter, let alone writing or talking about her. She is a horrible human. She is filled with hate and spews it all over the place under the guise of being a conservative pundit. I did not really want to write about her, but her latest column inspired me to vent a little. This is a quote from her column on April 4, 2007:

“These people can't even wrap up genocide. We've been hearing about this slaughter in Darfur forever — and they still haven't finished. The aggressors are moving like termites across that country. It's like genocide by committee. Who's running this holocaust in Darfur, FEMA?”

This is her comment about the slaying of millions of people; women and children. She wants this genocide to speed up. Has she no soul? This must be one of her well thought out jokes. Isn’t she considered a “compassionate conservative?” I can just feel the compassion. I would like to give her a compassionate Donkey Punch!

She also says the following:
“If you want a shorter rebuilding process, then we're going to have to wage less humane wars. The enemy — as well as innocent civilians — must be bombed into quivering terror. Otherwise, we displace aggression but don't destroy it.”
Is this one a joke…? I don’t get her comedy.

Here is another wonderful quote from a speech she gave at the “Reclaiming America for Christ” conference:
“Those few abortionists were shot, or, depending on your point of view, had a procedure with a rifle performed on them. I’m not justifying it, but I do understand how it happened....The number of deaths attributed to Roe v. Wade about 40 million aborted babies and seven abortion clinic workers; 40 million to seven is also a pretty good measure of how the political debate is going.”

How in the flying hell does she still have a syndicated column. Don Imus gets fired for his racial remarks, and it was probably warranted. She has called Bill Clinton gay and Al Gore a “fag” (watch both clips on the link) and more recently Presidential candidate John Edwards a “faggot.” Although, after the Gore comment she said she was joking. Good one. I could go on and on and on and on. She is a horrible, hateful person. Imus stated that he was joking when he called the Rutgers women’s basketball team “Nappy Headed Ho’s.” He was fired; all I want is to Donkey Punch her. Is that too much to ask?

Interesting side note, the strapping young lad in the photo above was making the rounds at Fox Noise telling about his visit to a college campus. He told stories of a mob of students yelling at him and calling him a baby killer. Well, as it turns out, the fellow is a gay porn star and escort. His “acting” name is Rod Majors. Here is the actual story.

I have to give credit to Keith Olberman for the name Coultergeist. I get that joke. Here is another quick video.

Old People Suck!

2007-04-03T15:29:00.000-06:00

There is a great line in a song by the White Stripes. It goes “I just hope I don’t act the same way by the time that I get that old.” This is in reference to him attempting to win the approval of his girlfriend’s mother, but nothing seems to be working for him. Well, I believe we can all relate to this particular line in this song. We all know old people who drive us fucking nuts. I personally know about 2 dozen, which coincidentally are all the old people I know. This may also have to do with the fact that I “literally” work in a “retirement home.” (Retirement home is the nickname I gave my cubicle area that I work in because of all the old bastards that surround me and tell stories from the “good ole days”) Here are a few things I hope to avoid when I get older.

First, I am not sure how this is, but old people must have finger nails that grow like lightening. I also do not know why they assume that public finger nail clipping is an acceptable behavior. They just clip away, at their desk, with no regard to the finger nail shrapnel flying in all directions. I never thought I might need safety glasses for my desk job. It would be one thing if this happened just once in a while, but it happens nearly every damn day! And it is not two clips and the finger nail is done. No! Each finger nail takes an average of about ten clips to shorten to the appropriate length. And each tiny clip sends off a nail fragment like a shell casing from a machine gun.

I hope to avoid constantly saying “I Says, I Says” every third sentence in a conversation. It is like I work with Foghorn Leghorn (this is the nickname I have given to this particular oldie). This is a recording from a conversation I had with Foghorn Leghorn. And here is another clip for fun.

It has recently come to my attention (thank you Michelle) that Foghorn Leghorn also has a problem with zipping up his pants. Which is enough of a problem by itself, but it is compounded by the fact that when this individual gets fired up with some random issue (like plumbing in his house or running over alligators) he has a tendency to swing that particular region of his body. At any moment in time his junk could interrupt an already unfortunate situation. Sorry if you just puked in your mouth.

Well, that is all I want to say about the oldies I work with. Actually, this is all about one person, but that does not change the fact that old people suck.

Alex Grey

2007-02-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

Painting- Alex Grey

This is pretty much my favorite painting ever. I love all of this guy's work. You can find more at www.alexgrey.com. I really like how there is all this stimulus going on in the background. There seems to be "good" influences making it's way into whatever the artist is painting, but the evil in the bottom left corner seems to be blocked out. This is definitely influenced by the belief of the "Third Eye"

50 Funniest Homer Simpson Quotes

2007-02-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

So I just came across this list on some website (www.2spare.com). I figured the easiest way to share this hilarity with my many devoted friends and readers was to just post it here. Enjoy Michelle and Carlee. (These are in no particular order, I put a couple of my favorites in bold)

· Operator! Give me the number for 911!
· Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
· Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
· Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
· I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
· Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
· Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
· Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
· Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
· Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
· You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
· Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
· When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
· Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
· I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
· [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
· What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
· Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
· Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
· The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
· When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
· I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
· Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
· I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
· Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
· It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
· Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
· I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
· Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
· Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
· Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
· How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
· Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
· Homer no function beer well without.
· I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
· Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
· If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
· I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
· I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
· [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
· All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
· Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
· But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
· I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
· Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
· That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
· Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
· If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
· I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
· 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

Sloppy Cronkite

2007-02-14T00:18:00.000-07:00

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This is an awesome clip from the Daily Show. It just goes to show how Fox News loves to hire douche bags. The Sloppy Cronkite is an awesome term as well. I think I sense the makings of an awesome t-shirt.

Must Go

2007-02-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

I originally posted this on myspace. Figured I would put it here as well.

First off, must give credit to X96 for the title. The only reason I have not sent this list into them is because who knows when they will get around to it. That being said, here is some things that I feel just simply need to disappear. Feel free to add to the list.

1. MARBLES- Marbles are simply a waste. Unless you are involved in the World Series of Hungry Hungry Hippos there is no reason to have marbles. They are in no way a fun toy. Little kids think they are a ball that they can throw, which they do, and hard at that. Marbles always end up on the floor as well, lost in the carpet until you step on it with a bare foot. That shit hurts. So with that, marbles just need to go.

2. CUP SIGNS ON OVERPASS- This is just retarded and has gone on for way to long. Have you ever been driving on the freeway and looked up to notice that the over pass has a special note that says "Welcome Home John." You think someone named John gets all excited when he sees his name up there? Goes home and thanks his wife, only to find out that it was for a different John. His disappointment slowly turns to rage as he kills all the family's pets to punish them for their lack of appreciation!

3. TRAINS-That's right I said it. Trains. Fuck Trains. Most of all, F- their stupid, loud-ass horns. Is there really a need for them to blow that atomic horn 10 times at midnight when they approach an intersection. Are they afraid that someone may be stuck on the tracks, in between the barriers? If someone is just sitting on the tracks and they are not able to take two steps to the side to avoid the giant train, then they should go as well. Trains suck.

4. MALE R.T.- Rock Tit on males is one of the most disgusting things you will ever see. If you have a tendency to get R.T. and you are a guy, do us all a favor and throw on an extra layer. Girls who get R.T., just keep doing what you are doing, unless you are fat, in which case you should lose some weight. (You kow Peter has some nasty RT going on)

5. WARREN SAPP- First off, for those who do not know, Warren Sapp is a Defensive Lineman for the Oakland Raiders. For years now the media will interview this fat, loud-mouthed, overrated football player after they have just lost whatever game they happened to be playing. And in every interview, this fat-ass has a giant wad of Chew stuffed in his lower fat lip. Seriously, are you that addicted that you cannot wait you are done with interviews to shove a bunch of shit in your face. Maybe he is just trying to speed up cancer so he can get off what can barely be considered a football team. The high-school girls volleyball team could beat the Raiders this year.

6. The Phrase "Right from the Horse's Mouth"- What in the flying hell does that mean!? It makes no sense whatsoever. A horse should kick whoever started that stupid phrase in the groin. Seriously, WTF. Has anything good ever come from a horse's mouth to prompt such a dumbass statement?

7. VOICEMAIL PAGE PROMPT- this is the last one. Why is it that when you call someone's cell phone and go to their voicemail that you can still be prompted to "Page" this person. Has anyone ever in the history of cell phones actually thought, "I am pretty fucking stupid, I think I will page this person." The only cell phone company that can still have this option is SPRINT. That is because they are a sad excuse for a cellular provider and they need to milk every second they can.

Well there you have it. If you have taken the time to read this pointless ramble you will become a better person. Also, please add things that you would like to see gone (please don't say Tittle needs to go, I am sensitive).

Sappy Dad Stuff

2007-02-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say a little something about being a Dad. About a week ago my son, Logan, smashed his little finger. It was not too bad, but it was definitely hurting him. For those of you who do not know Logan, he is only 5 years old. So when he gets hurt he will usually come to me seeking comfort. I have always found this nice, which is kind of strange. So I analyzed why it is that I like it so much when my son comes to me for comfort in these situations. 90% of the time there is not a damn thing I can do about his pain, and I hate that. But for some reason he always starts to feel a little better and at ease. This is what makes it such a special experience. It really is kind of hard to explain, but I will do my best. To know that I have the ability to provide some comfort when my child is in pain just by holding him is absolutely amazing. Even when there is nothing I can do about the pain. He still will feel better just by holding him for a minute. What an amazing feeling. This is one of those experiences that make being a Dad so great. I am lucky to have such an amazing son.

Think for yourself.

2007-01-22T16:02:00.000-07:00

This is a quote by Timothy Leary. Tool used it as an into to the live version of the song Third Eye. I just like this quote and felt the urge to share it. Timothy Leary is an interesting person.

"Think for yourself. Question authority. Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we're going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities: the political, the religious, the educational authorities, who have attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rule, regulations. Informing, forming in our minds an inner view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to immerse yourself in a state of vulnerable open-mindedness-- chaotic, confused vulnerability to which you owe yourself. Think for yourself. Question authority."

The Dirty Thirty

2007-01-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

Since the days of my 20’s are now limited, I decided to make a list of 30 things I would like to do between now and the time I turn 30. These are in no particular order of importance (except number 1 is by far my first priority).

1. Do a body shot (preferably from hot girl).

2. Upgrade from futon to a real grown-up bed.

3. Start savings account for Logan.

4. Take Logan on a hike.

5. Take Logan to a fish farm.

6. Go camping.

7. Go wakeboarding.

8. Pay off Credit Card.

9. Take GMAT.

10. Begin work on MBA.

11. Go “out of town” (Dover does not count).

12. Drive Go-carts.

13. Take Motorcycle training class at HAFB so I can drive my awesome scooter to work.

14. Go to the Ute Football home opener.

15. Go to a comedy show.

16. Read “The Motley Fool Investment Guide.”

17. Start investing in TSP (government’s version of 401K).

18. Attend a Weber State hockey game.

19. Join and actually attend a book club.

20. Get book shelf for Logan.

21. Learn to dominate the Rubik’s Cube.

22. Learn the Utah Fight Song. (Utah Man)

23. Get protected case thingies for autographed paraphernalia.

24. Kill only 6 hobos (this is 1/3 of last years total, it can be time consuming).

25. Buy hobo a sandwich (before killing him).

26. Begin promoting “Backyard Hobo Fights to the Death.”

27. Educate ignorant society that “Hobo” is the preferred term. “Bum” is just offensive and they do not approve.

28. Participate in the World Series of Dwarf Tossing.

29. Practice Dwarf tossing.

30. I ran out of ideas around 26 (24 and 25 are real). So if anyone would like to make a suggestion… feel free.

Misspoken = Funny

2007-01-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

Misspoken

I think it is funny when people say words wrong. It is usually older people, because they are dumb asses. I love it when people mispronounce a word, which in turn, completely changes the meaning.

Example 1:
I am in a training class for work title “Introduction to Financial Mgmt.” It basically goes over the budget process and fiscal responsibility. So the instructor seems reasonably knowledgeable on this subject, but he lost a lot of credibility with me when he repeatedly pronounced “fiscal (Pronunciation [fis-kuh l]) law” as “physical law.” Big difference.

Example 2: This one is slightly more amusing. A bunch of co-workers and I were chit-chatting about work B.S. I informed this co-worker that I ran a report and it basically told us nothing useful. He referred to it as “an act of infertility” as opposed to “an act futility.” I told a friend that an act of infertility is me having way too many gin and tonics. Now that I think about it though, an act of infertility could possibly be an act of futility.

Example 3: This is by far the best. A co-worker of mine, not old, like 24ish, had the greatest misspoken word accidents in history of misspoken word accidents. She told us a beauty of a story. Last year she was on her way to a work Christmas party with several co-workers. They were walking through a door and she was the tail end of the group. Well, apparently she does not like to open doors because of the “door-opening motion” (strange for others, normal for her). Well, the heavy door was beginning to close and fast. So, instead of putting up a paw to keep the door open just long enough she tried to sneak through, and failed. Her shoulders became wedged between the door and the frame; eventually she was sling-shot backwards out of the door and onto her butt. The people she is with already find this to be hysterical. Well, when she gets into the party the story is already being retold. As if this wasn’t an instant classic already, she sweetens it up. She informs everyone that when she fell she thought she had “broke her SCROTUM!” That’s right, scrotum. I wish I could have been there. Well, as it turns out, she apparently had misspoken. What she had meant to say was that she had “broke her Sternum.” Her excuse: “They both start and end with the same letters.” (I decided against the image of the scrotum, you are welcome)

Well, there you go. I really just wanted to tell the scrotum story. There are plenty more of these from the same source. I am planning on starting another blog devoted to this and similar stories… stay tuned. (Just kidding about old people being dumb asses)

Nice Dream: Getting Baptized? Me?

2007-01-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, everybody has crazy dreams and I am no exception. Most people have crazy dreams about sex or vacations or whatever, not me. I never have those dreams. I have dreams like the one I am about to tell you: getting baptized. Yep, baptized, me, again, stupid. Fortunately I do not read too much into my dreams, but if you want to tell me what you think it means, knock yourself out. Here it is:

The dream begins with a memory, the memory of me telling my parents that I wanted to be baptized, again. Time kind of skips forward in the way time does in dreams. It is a few weeks later and my family, obviously thrilled with my decision, has planned a big celebration. They have invited every member of my extended family. This really stresses me out because, as it turns out (prepare to be shocked), I DO NOT WANT TO BE BAPTIZED! I was literally stressed in the dream, talking to myself, interrogating this unfortunate situation. “Why would I tell my parents I want to be baptized? I have not been going to church. I have no desire to go to church. Was I drunk? What the hell is going on here?” I say to myself repeatedly. (Is it still crazy to talk to yourself in a dream?) Then it occurs to me, the only possible solution, is that I never said anything about getting baptized to my parents. It was all a bad dream (yes, this was what I thought during my dream). What a relief, now I can relax.

Soooo, a little time passes and it is a Saturday and I go to my parent’s house. Low and behold, all my family is there, waiting. Great, it’s real!

Well, I am officially stressed again. Every one is congratulating me on my tremendous and courageous decision. Now I will be able to join them in the top level or some B.S. Something has to be done, immediately. I come to the conclusion that I just have to come clean and tell everyone that I, in fact, do not want to be baptized.

First, I decide to tell my parents. They do not seem surprised or upset. They decide that it would be best if I was the one to inform the rest of the family as well. So I walk out into the main room where everyone has congregated say “I thank you all for coming out today. I really appreciate it and it means a lot me that I have such a caring family. I am afraid there has been some miscommunication though. I actually do not have any intentions of getting baptized today, tomorrow, or ever. Thanks.”

That sucked. I am getting out of here. I go out to the garage, get on a mountain bike and leave. My dream ends with me riding this bike.

I actually woke up feeling stressed, weird.

Celeb-look-a-like

2007-01-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I did the whole celebrity look-a-like thing as well. I am really not too suprised with the members of a completely different race than me. What I don't get though is how this program can tell my "black" features just by looking at my face.... strange.

All that Jazz!

2006-12-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

Being a Jazz fan this season may be the end of me. I do not know what is going on with them, but they keep heading into the 4th quarter of games with large deficits. Now, obviously, I like to see them come back. It is fun to watch, but it is also stressful. What I would like to see them do is play the whole game like they have been playing the 4th. I am Jonesin for a blow-out. It seems as if they start strong, 34 points in the 1st quarter against the Knicks. But then they slow down until the 4th (10 points in the 2nd, 17 in the 3rd, and 24 in the 4th, also against the Knicks). Now, it is obvious that every game is different, but it seems that the Jazz really struggle the most in the 3rd quarter. Not sure if this is due to resting the starters and playing the younger guys (and Gira). But this is going to have to change if the Jazz want to win the division and go deep into the playoffs.

That being said, I am still happy with the Jazz this year. They are better than I think anyone thought they would be. Before the season started I thought they might win 48 games and go into the playoffs as one of the lower seeds, MAYBE they would win the division. Well, expectations have changed. Not winning the division will be a huge disappointment and anything less than the Western Conference Finals will be disappointing as well. (Allen Iverson is an A%@hole)

One last thing, how about the title of my blog? Very original and witty don’t ya think? I think I will call the Salt Lake Tribune and suggest they use it after the Jazz go on a winning streak. They will be so impressed they may give me cash for contributing and sharing my brilliance with them. I am awesome!

Blog Virginity

2006-12-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

My blogging virginity if officially gone. And it's about damn time! I am 29 years old (almost)! Well, unless you count that one time, I fooled around with myspace a little. I personally don't want to count that. One of those overly intoxicated nights.

Anyway, I just wanted to take this opportunity to explain what I plan to do with my new blogging abilities. Bitch. Yep, that's right, Bitch. I have a feeling that I will just be doing a lot of bitching. I will try to make if humorous bitching though. This was one of my fears about having my own blog. I don't want to just complain about co-workers (Carlee) and other meainingless crap. I hope to actually have some interesting things to talk about.

Sorry about using the "B" word so many times. I can't help it. I love that word. Sorry Carlee.